Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Mermaids belong in the ocean

It's a terrible thing when I stop writing. Everything gets stuck in my head. I need to be more careful about not only writing when I'm miserable.  Someone told me that they read my blog and were concerned, then realized it was over a month ago so I most likely fine since I was still alive.  Logical conclusion.  Another logical conclusion is that I'm not writing enough.  I was thinking maybe I would like to make myself a new wishlist for my life. It doesn't need to be New Years for that, does it?  I don't even know if it's going to be wishes. It's just a damn list.
1. Can the anxiety stop please? Just fucking stop. STOP.
My daughters father got married the third week of September. I was actually scared that going to the wedding might upset me. Of all of the selfish bullshit that runs through my head, this certainly took the cake.  He was getting married to this woman who I and my children love and I was worried that I might get upset.  Why? Because we got married in Hawaii once? Like old demons were going to jump out of the ocean and get me?  As it turned out, the bride to be needed emergency surgery to have her appendix out and I was so damn scared that she might die that I didn't have time or tears for anything else but making sure she was alive, happy, hydrated, or anything else I could think of. And she takes the time to pull me aside and tell me she loves me and I should be there and I'm family. Six and a half years ago I would never thought that I'd be saying I'm so lucky to have her and I love her so and she deserves to be my daughter's other mommy.  But I am.  While I was in Hawaii on that vacation, my son's dad sent over the first draft of divorce papers and threw my anxiety into chaos again. I swam out into the ocean and cried my eyes out. Like a crazy person.  There are days that I feel like I give myself too much credit for having feelings and days when I just can't control them.  I swam out to see and prayed to God to be free. I don't want to jump when I see emails.  I don't want to assume everything is always bad.  I want to go back to being who I was before: happy, optimistic, confident.  Not scared, anxious, worried that something else is going to come crashing down on me. Because that's all my life has been: a series of disasters with little to no reprieve.  After 18 months and 20k am I finally at the end of this divorce?  I hope so. I came home from that wedding and went to see my favorite tattoo shop. I'm having a mermaid put on my arm. I drew her. I laughed when I realized that she's swimming away, because fuck these lemons. I'm bailing. I've had enough and I really, really want my heart and mind to move on. Most of all the anxiety. That can fucking go anytime now.
2. Faith in God.
People, I have gone down the yellow brick road.  Hello God, I'm here. We have our meetings daily. Maybe twice day. Sometimes all day, every day.  It's you and me, my friend. I have no idea what you have in store for me, but I can tell you the idea of free will moves further and further from my brain the longer I'm alive.  Too many things come together. Too many people find me and ask me for help when they need me. I catch too many people as they fall.  And you know what? They catch me right back.  I see terrible things happen and then watch it get scooped up and formed into something better, stronger, and it all makes sense.  Or maybe I make it make's hard to tell. But I know so many things wouldn't come together and work had they not fallen apart. I see it in my life and so many others all the time.  All. The. Time.  I'm not sure how this PhD in theology/world religions is supposed to come together, but I'm working on it. I got comfy at a christian church and a long lost bahai friend found me. Then someone sent me a Muslim book. I got it, God. I'm on it. I swear. No laziness here. We both see the stack of books on my nightstand. I'm won't lose my focus. I just need a minute to wipe my tears and pick myself up off the ground, ok? I'm still standing. I'm standing. I'll be moving forward again soon. I've almost gotten my strength back.
3. Faith in people
Why does my heart hurt so bad sometimes? I feel like over the past 6 years I've had this beautiful life breathed into me when it comes to my female friends. I have learned how amazing women are. How to help them, see them, make them feel comfortable and confident about who they are. Empower them and uplift them. It's a beautiful thing to give another soul hope, especially when I have been in those shoes and faced those struggles.  I think I was blessed with the ability to read people and there's something about me that instills confidence. Tell me your secrets, they're safe with me. I won't judge you. I will love you for who you are and pray that you become who you want to be. I promise you will be ok. You will make it. Your kids will be ok. And we will all get through it together. I hold their hand and give them my attention until they don't need me anymore. So they move on and that's ok. I can't keep everyone, but I am greatly comforted knowing that I have friends wherever I go. Hilarious for someone like me who is shy and antisocial in crowds, doesn't like to mingle or make small talk, and feels generally different from the rest of the world. But that's just me.  I feel like my faith in men is increasing. I'm engaged to a man who insists on wearing a wedding band and has a huge tattoo on his forearm declaring his love and commitment to our family. He never gives up trying to show me how much he loves me and wants our family to work.  Is there going to come a day that I stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? I remember promising myself I would not make anymore male friends because they were nothing but trouble. Dishonest and disloyal pigs. Then I met a really nice guy who has been madly in love with his wife for decades. Then one who loves his girlfriend desperately and I couldn't help myself. I let them tell me their problems and listened like a good friend and felt like maybe they weren't so bad after all.  I watch my fiancé tell me he'll get a vasectomy before we get married and promise not to pressure me to set a date.  My finance's ex tells me he loves me the real way and to stop being crazy. Then we all go to church together.  Then Halloween comes and I get dressed up with the four kids, my fiancé, his ex, my ex and his new wife, and we all go trick or treating. Because nobody wants to be without their kids and we all just get along. Because not everyone is bad and we can put the kids first and see that deep down it's ok to be friends because shit happens and the family you end up with isn't always the one you imagine.
4. Time
I have a great hole in my life. Its a black hole that sucks all of my free time. My alone time. It's why I don't write. I don't go dancing. I rarely paint my nails. I struggle to find time to read.  When I am with my kids, I make and effort to put my phone down.  Once they are in bed, my attention goes to my fiancé. Unless of course someone needs me for something, which lets be honest, is frequent.  So here we go, work, kids, adult time, friends. Fight it out to find five minutes to myself then go to bed.  Even now I'm sacrificing sleep to write, which should've been done months ago. Even if I had time to do my nails, I would probably spend it folding laundry.  Did I tell you I have four kids? Endless amounts of dishes, laundry, scrubbing, folding, dusting, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. And I wouldn't change it. My fiancé is right there with me putting things away, busting his ass trying to find time to spend together before we fall asleep exhausted.  But where did I go? How do I steal those afternoons away to go to the beach alone? Will I ever make it back to yoga? Will I start writing regularly again? Don't even get me started on school. Between those long breaths of him snoring next to me, there is a second of silence. That's all there is. Just a second.
5. Money.
Well friends, I'm 36 and having some major money issues.  After 18 months of attorney bills and trying to support 6 people on my salary, I've run myself into a stupid amount of debt.  Now that my fiancé has opened a new business and is doing well (hy yes, his old one did fail for a reason and become something better!) I'm hoping to clean up this financial crisis I've gotten myself into.  I'm still hoping the attorney bills are at an end, even though I have another 5k outstanding. All of these maxed out credit cards and anxiety over paying them can go away too, thank you very much. I feel like this can go in #1.  I try to remind myself that I am good with money, I'm responsible, and I can figure this out. I bought this house, didn't I? Plus my car. I've make plenty of mistakes with finances and I've also done a lot of good. I'm trying not to let all of this break me. Isn't my strength the rebound? Pulling the result out like the underdog I am? Beauty through struggle is the motto of my life. I'm so done with struggle. I'm ready for some beauty.
6. I want my innocence back
I know I'm the product of everything that's happened to me. I realize that I wouldn't be able to help the people I help had I not been through hell and survived.  But I miss my optimism. I miss believing in happily ever after and love and promises. I don't want to demand a prenup because I don't want to worry about losing my house. I don't want to demand a vasectomy because I can't stomach the thought of another man getting me pregnant and leaving me.  I shouldn't have those thoughts in my head. Sometimes I think I just look like I'm ready to cut and run at any moment, even though I'm not. Nobody wants things to work out more than I do, but I'm scared of what reality always bring to me. That's adversity. Nothing ever works out. I am constantly challenged, beaten, defeated, and razed to the ground. Yes, to rise again, but at what cost? How many wedding dresses are you allowed to buy before you lose the excitement.  How many weddings do you plan before you go, oh well, what haven't I done yet?  Or when an engagement announcement feels embarrassing and inappropriate because your many failures stand out ahead of you.
7. I need my sleep
I wake up constantly in the night when my kids aren't with me. I have night terrors. I can only truly exhale when my babies are safe under my roof. Not that I think they are in danger, because I don't at all. I just constantly feel in jeopardy. I want to rest. I want peace in my heart.  I pray for peace constantly. I don't remember the last time I slept for a full night and woke up refreshed. I wake up 2-3 times to check on the kids, go to the bathroom, get some water, and reach other to make sure I didn't dream the man who sleeps next to me. At least I don't wake him up to insist he pet my back and tell me everything is ok.  Is it ok? I'm still not sure yet. But it will be, right?
8. To let go
I'm a control freak. I think the hardest thing for me to do is just let go of a situation that is out of my hands.  It makes me crazy when people say "let go and let God". I just want to punch them. But I'm trying to DO something here! Surely I need to make some important decisions and FIX everything. But I never seem to be able to. I'm a victim of someone else's actions and I sit there freaking out until the enemy shows itself so I can get up and fight. I'm surprised by how confrontational I truly am. Not that I want to fight, but that I want to know what's going on and discuss it right away. I really do believe that understanding is reached through confrontation. But life doesn't work that way. You can't make people do things, force a decision, or make a change just because you want to.  So instead of being dragged along, screaming my head off because I can't control the force dragging me, I need to learn to let go, fall on my face, and just fucking sit there until whatever is going to explode does. Or doesn't.  I need to realize that I can't stop or influence explosions, so I need to stop trying. See what I'm talking about when I say this free will thing feels less and less real.

Right now, I feel like I should pray because, well, that's what I seem to be good at these days.  And God, we need to talk.  I know you hear from me all the time, but maybe just once more for today and then you can have a few hours off.  Can I sleep tonight, please? Can my heart stop pounding and my brain stop worrying about my babies. I know they are safe with their dads. Speaking of their dads, can you please help them be amazing fathers and providers for our children? Help them put their children first and give them the love and attention they need when I am not there. Help them be the amazing men I know they can be.  And please remember my fiancé. Help his business do well and him continue on his path to do the right thing in life, prioritize our children, and be the partner that I truly need in life.  The mother of his children is suffering. Please help her heart. She is ready for someone new in her life. Send her a man to love her the children who wants to be part of our big, crazy family.  Let her be the answer to his prayers the way my fiancé is the answer to mine. Please help all of our households prosper so that we can keep food on the table and the lights on. We are all struggling.  Lord please help me be the woman I am meant to be. Help me walk the path you have laid down for me and conquer the fears in my heart.  Help me be free of judgment to those who need me and give me the right words to say to bring them hope when they need it most.  Help me be the mother to all 4 of my children that I always wanted for myself. I do my best not to question why but see the wisdom in the plan that unfolds before me. Quiet my anxiety and bring peace to my heart.  And if you see my guardian angel up there, can you tell her that I don't need to see 9:17 twice a day anymore? I'm all done with that chapter. Talk to the ocean, she got the last of those tears already.

Goodnight xo