Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Gray area

It's been a long time since I written. I believe last time I wrote I was promising myself to write more often and I lost myself in misery.  I want to say as usual, but that feels terrible to say. I guess it's just how I feel right now.  My divorce has been going on for 15 months.  15 months of pain, anxiety, depression, fear, and uncertainty.  Not to mention hefty attorney bills. It tears at my heart. Every day I pray for interactions with my ex to be peaceful and productive.  I pray for both of us to have the strength and wisdom to put our son first. And it hard. It's so hard.  My heart breaks when I'm away from my son and I am upset when he's away from his dad for too long. I realize both are hurting him and there's no easy way to fix it.  The engagement ring on my finger weighs heavily on me.  I feel everyone's disapproval, lack of excitement, and disinterest.  I didn't announce anything publicly. I watch people see it, ignore it, and change subjects.  Nobody wants to be excited with someone who has been proposed to a ton of times and been divorced three times now.  It makes me feel bad about everything. My life decisions, where I think I should be right now, and what people think of me and my kids.  What sort of loser is constantly getting married and divorced? It's not cute or funny or amusing to anyone. Least of all me.  I know I've never been one to care what people think, but it still hurts sometimes.  I guess this is one of those times.
My faith has been suffering lately. I still go to church and I talk to God all the time.  I feel like I'm missing something.  I understand going through trials to learn a lesson and be perfected for something. At least I feel like I do.  But I'm at my breaking point and I don't know what else I can get out of these terrible experiences.  How long does the divorce have to drag on? How much does a mother need to feel that her baby is in danger of being taken from her when he needs her?  Where am I supposed to go with all of this?  And I go to a nice church, I do.  But they don't really welcome me and I don't feel like I belong there.  Maybe I don't.  I suppose I am just a Bahai in Christian clothing. I'm not one of them.  Maybe they can feel it.  Or maybe I'm meant to move on.  I am someone who is usually strong in my faith. I feel the presence of God all around me and I feel like I'm heard and watched over.  The absence of that feeling is difficult for me to deal with. Even if it might all just be in my head.  That familiar voice comes back and tells me that I'm not able to do anything, I have no purpose, nobody wants me, and I'm destined to be alone.
It's hard not to feel like a failure when you can't clean up your own damn life. I always say that if you don't like something then change it.  Well I can't seem to change any of this.  I feel trapped and miserable and that's not like me at all.  It feels pathetic and weak, but maybe that's what I am sometimes.  I feel like I constantly tell people things they don't want to hear because I'm telling them the truth of a situation or how I'm feeling. I shouldn't feel bad for that, but I do. The last thing anyone wants to feel like is a disappointment or worthless, but I do.
I'm the sort of person who doesn't take today for granted. I look for something to make me happy every single day. I remind myself to smile. So what happens when you have a rough day, look forward to doing something later, then have the weight of the world piled on you by multiple people. I lose my happy I guess.  I can't seem to escape the stress and get far enough away to forget my problems and find a happy place where I can rest in the sun. I'm uncertain these days that everything will fall into place and work out.  I can't plan a wedding. I don't want a prenup. I can't even get my last name back and finish my divorce. I can't spend every day with my kids. I can't plan vacations because I'm broke. Apparently I can't even go down to the beach with anyone without having some stupid fight about shit that I don't care about. I always default back to the idea that I want to be alone. Or at least that I just want someone to be nice to me.  I don't know why it's so impossible to attain. I think it's got to be my personality. I'm a really hard person to deal with and love.  But there's nothing I can do about that.
The last thing I want to do is default to remembering my past as the good days and think the best is behind me. I don't want to be miserable today and dream of the future when I can fly far away from here.  How far away is that? 16 years when my babies are grown? Seems like a miserable waste of time. I want to be happy now. I know I can't base that on how people treat me or what they think of me. I do. It would be nice if someone was happy for me, though. A little excitement would be appreciated. I understand it's a lot to ask when you're me though. I get it. I would probably roll my eyes at someone I've watched get married three times before too.  I would like someone to think of me first.  When I'm having a rough day and I would like some space or some attention or to do something in particular, it would be nice if someone wanted to put their shit aside and just be fucking nice to me.  But nobody ever does that. People always put themselves first.
Is that what I'm supposed to learn from all of this?  That everyone is selfish and life is miserable? I don't know how I'm supposed to uplift people and bring them hope with that message. I would really like someone to try to lift me up these days. But I won't be here holding my breath. I have made it my personal mission to make people feel like they are not alone. When everyone only cares about themselves, I reach out to other people. I make the effort. I'm starting to think it's a bullshit, thankless job. All people do is judge you and want something from you and that kills me. Especially today when I'm feeling so bad.  When I can't find the sun, no matter how desperately I'm searching.
I can't tell if it's the dawn of my life or the twilight, with the best yet to come or if it's behind me. But it is certainly not here. I have believed for a long time that I had a great purpose in this world to help people. I have done my best to take the high road, put others first, trust in God, and be the best person I can be. I'm so tired of the world turning its back on me. I'm tired of feeling like I'm taking a beating for no reason and no relief is coming.  I'm tired of feeling like nobody really cares or understands because they are too busy passing judgement on me and my life. I'm ready to stop trying so hard. Hey God, if you're still there and listening, I'm showing my cards.  Something has to give because I'm ready to fold. And you know as well as I do that I don't bluff.

No comments:

Post a Comment