Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Make new memories

I think it's human nature to try and attach other people and memories to things you like to do and places you've been.  When you're like me and you've been through a ton of miserable relationships, that can be really depressing.  Your special Prada heels remind you of the man who left you.  You go to your favorite resort to watch the sunset and you see yourself there with him remembering the loneliness and sadness.  Your heart breaks where ever you go.  There are days when I feel like the world isn't big enough and I carry an ocean of sadness inside of me.  I want to move away, run away, go anywhere new and different. Find a new favorite restaurant and buy new, better shoes.  The problem is nowhere will ever be safe.  I learned a long time ago that there are people in this world who want you to have you.  They use you, put themselves first, and leave you when you're no longer convenient.  It makes you feel all used up and forget who you are.
I used to feel bad about loving Hawaii because I got married there once. Today I understand that I just love Hawaii and it's not related to any man. I've been there with my sister, two husbands, my daughter, and my company.  Hawaii has everything to do with me and not who happens to be with me for a trip or two.  Laguna Beach is my spot. I don't care who I lived there with or how many times or different men went there with me.  My favorite restaurants are mine because those are my taste. So maybe I've worn this dress with someone else.  It's my dress.  I'm having one of those moments where I feel like I'm going through the motions again.
I tend to feel bad when I respond certain ways in relationships and I need to accept that this is just who I am.  I'm not treating someone the same as someone else.  It's just how my brain is programmed.  I'm trying to rebound here.  I took my wedding heels and I wore them to brunch.  I took this special dress that I used with my ex and I took formal pics with my sisters and nieces.  I don't like having to sell things to hide from them.  I'd rather make new memories.  And I want those memories to be for me for once. I don't want them linked to another man or some crap he's done that was supposed to make me happy.  It never does.  Relationships just don't make me happy.  They give another person the power to make you miserable.  I have found throughout the years that I'm happiest alone with my children.  When I'm with a man, I tend to cater to him too much and I get lost somewhere in there.
All of a sudden my birthday is about someone else. I don't get to go to my favorite restaurant because we are fighting. Once again I'm standing there trying to watch the sunset while someone is making me feel bad.  My heart hurts from all of it.  I don't think it's a coincidence that the happiest times of my life were when I was single.  My little sister and I lived in HB way back when I was just 22.  I had just broken up with my long time bf and I was FREE and happy.  School, gym, work, beach! Then after my second divorce I had years of freedom.  I was either with my kiddo or I was free to roam around the planet.  Sometimes both.  Life was glorious.  Every time I think of heartbreak or misery, I can point to man who was standing infront of me fucking up my life.  And they wonder why I want to be single. I swear men are taught nothing but perseverance.  Just ignore her and she'll come around eventually.  And of course I snap into wedding mode because I love weddings and here we go all over again. One more disaster to deal with.
Men are always convinced they want me until they get me and I'm not what they thought I was. Then they leave.  Today I'm sitting in my bedroom wondering how much of a mark they've left.  Didn't I buy that tv with you after I gave birth to my daughter? Wasn't that box I used for my baby mementos given to us at our wedding?  Will the color of these walls remind me of us painting them?  How about all of these sets of sheets?  It's been a long time since I thought I was meant to be anything but alone. I don't think I've believed otherwise since I was married to my daughter's dad.  I've had two ex husbands teach me that lesson.  Tonight I'm sad about my birthday and being 36. I don't really know what to do with that. I guess I need to think about it some more and figure out what's really hurting my heart. I know that I can't fill a bunch of hurts with shopping and men and trips. I need to make sure I don't make those same mistakes again. I'm not falling down the rabbit hole again this time.

No comments:

Post a Comment