Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Love and darkness and my side arm

I want to thank the universe for women today.  I have to say that the most startling discovery of my 30s is that other women are amazing people.  Today, after being real friends with other women for the last 5-6 years, I can truly say that my life is so much richer and full of love and support than I ever thought it could be.  If I am feeling uncertain, I have women who rush to reassure me that I deserve to be happy and I am doing a good job.  They dislike the people who are hurting me and they pray for me to feel better.  When I feel sad and lonely, I receive text messages telling me that I am loved and cared about.  When I am broke they remind me that money doesn't count when it comes to friendship and sometimes they buy me lunch knowing that I will return the favor when I have a few dollars in my pocket. When I freeze at work and am overwhelmed, they talk me back down to sanity and hold my hand until I complete my projects then check on me later to make sure I am ok.  I am honored to call these people friends.  There are moments I sit in stunned silence wondering what I ever did to deserve such amazing friends. The beautiful thing about people is we can always find a common ground to relate to each other on if we try.  It doesn't matter if I've known you for 20 years and consider you family or we met through work or maybe you were part of an online mommy group for the past couple of years and we've never met in person.  You have the ability to acknowledge that every person on this earth has the same worth as you do and deserves love, consideration, and respect.  I do my best to be a good friend back to these amazing people.  In fact, I think that my dedication to being a good friend makes me hard to be around sometimes.
I'm the type of person who doesn't like to multitask when it comes to people.  When I'm with my kids, I rarely have my phone in my hand.  When I'm on a date, I'm busy looking into someone's eyes and understanding them.  If you are having a problem and need to talk, then I am focused on you.  Nobody wants to hear the buzz buzz of a text message when they are pouring their heart out to you.  If you end up in a relationship with me, you understand how what I feel my mission in life is overlaps with my dedication to being a good friend.  You see, I believe that my calling is to bring hope to women and uplift them.  I honestly do.  I take great pride in being the first person someone tells their good or bad news too.  Most of the time it's bad, yes, but it brings meaning to all of the suffering I've been through in my life.  If I can listen to someone, understand them, and help them believe that they can make it through their circumstance, then my heart is happy.  Yes, I feel anxious when I get that message late at night or early in the morning that says "hey, are you up?" It is a hard thing to reach out to someone for help.  If you pick me as that lifeline, you bet your ass I'm going to take that seriously.  I have pulled my car over to talk to someone because they needed someone to listen. I have told my boyfriend that I'm sorry, but you have to wait, this is an emergency, and expected him to understand. I can only imagine what he must think of the constant flow of text messages or people needing support.  I'd like to think that by knowing who I am and how I've impacted his life that he understands.  Either way, it is what it is and I am who I am.
I've always thought it was odd that people come to me for advice.  I used to think that my life was such a mess that theirs was better by comparison.  Maybe it's because I do my best and try not to judge.  Over the past year there has been a massive increase in the amount of people who want to talk to me about God and religion.  I'm always happy to listen to someone while they figure out who they are and what they believe.  I think it's very important to understand that all people are different and they walk a different path. I would never tell someone what to do or what to think.  Or I should say I try not to.  I'm only human afterall and I know I've made mistakes trying to help people along the way.  It's not always easy to remain impartial when it's a subject I care deeply about.  I look at myself, divorced three times, two kids from different dads, covered in ink, blue hair, mid 30s, a Bahai going to a Christian church...the list goes on and on.  What in the world are you doing asking me for advice?  I am not perfect. I do not have all the answers.  I get lost and confused and scared just as much as everyone else.  I regularly screw up my life, get up, shake it off, remember what I'm grateful for and set about figuring out who I am and what I stand for all over again.
I like to think of myself as the world's most amazing work in progress.  I read my history through the tattoos on my arms and smile.  Wow, girl, you've been through A LOT and look at you sitting here smiling in your underwear.  Calling in sick to work to focus on paperwork for your year long divorce and ended up taking a nap, vacuuming, and daydreaming about your next engagement ring. You never learn, do you? But look it's sunny outside and you have milk and cookies hiding by the bed for after date night tonight. Isn't it amazing you have a new bra and panty set to wear and they match your new heels? You're going to go to Miami and see your best friend soon! You get to go to brunch and dancing for your birthday! Did I mention that alllll the bills are paid this month AND you have movie tickets in your purse to see Star Wars on the beach?!  You can say this however you want to: God is good. The universe balances. You get what you deserve.  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
I watch people search for happiness in other people and material possessions.  People are wonderful and I'm very grateful for everything I have, but they don't make me happy. I make me happy. I am a complete and whole person on my own.  I became that way with a massive amount of effort.  There's no partner, vacation, or even drug that will make you happy.  You talk to yourself more than anyone else does.  Think about that.  The answer is in your own head.  How you see the world dictates how you exist in it.  We have so many thoughts flying around us.  Only the ones that you accept as true have the power to make you miserable or happy.  Trust me I could make you a list of 90 things that are causing me stress and misery right now, but why the hell would I want to do that?  You have to make the choice to be positive and grateful.  We all need to complain and vent. Go ahead.  But how are you talking to people? Do you say hello and pour out your troubles? Or say hello and celebrate your successes?  Do not give negative things and people the power to dictate your whole life.  What a waste.  Instead let the positive things, even if they are outnumbered, lead your mind and heart.  You can do it.  When you are feeling negative, acknowledge it.  Point it out and label it. Give yourself 10 minutes to say this is frustrating me. I'm freaked out over this. It will help you compartmentalize it.  Make a decision that is "good enough" about your problems. No path is perfect.  Make the best choice possible and be at peace with that.  Decide to look for a new job. Research new schools for your kids. Accept that you need a new car.  Approach your partner about counseling.  Admit you can't afford that vacation.  Now focus on what you do have and what you can do again.  Lastly, touch someone.  People, I cannot emphasize the value of physical affection.  The energy that each of us has and transfers to other people is massive.  Hug your kids. Have sex with your spouse. Shake hands with people. Put your hand on someone's shoulder to comfort them. Yes you can do it.  Go get a massage.  Touch is healing. I think there would be a lot of much happier marriages out there if people were forced to hug each other after 10 mins of arguing and that's no joke.  Do you know how much miscommunication can be resolved through the sincerity of touch?  Try it.  Next time you argue and want to kill your partner, just go hug them and take a deep breath.  Sounds scary, right?  Nobody is scarier to argue with than me and it diffuses me every time.  I personally think that couples should have sex as often as possible to keep all forms of affection and communication open.  Yes you have 10 mins for that. Quit complaining.  Go put your hands on their face every day for a week and stick your tongue in their mouth and watch you smile at each other and see each other again for a moment through all the bills and kids and dirty dishes and remember that you actually like each other.  I promise, it works.
So dear friends reading this, both men and women, thank you for being here for me. Thank you for all of the letters from your sides of the world. I'm going to work on writing more often again and focusing on what's important: being emotionally healthy and helping each other.  I hope you find a way to uplift yourselves by being grateful, labeling your thoughts, making decisions, and touching people. I hope you value the relationships in your life and remember that people are not perfect, but we are all trying in our own ways.  Even if it's not me you're talking to, I hope you are talking to someone because you deserve to be heard.  In fact, I hope to hear from you soon.
The Elitist