Tuesday, March 22, 2016

The Queen stands alone

It's days like today that I fear I'm turning into my crazy man-hating mother.  I feel like I go back and forth in my head over men. I hate them, they amuse me, I'm disgusted, I like to snuggle, then I'm annoyed and resentful again.  I'm tired of making excuses for them and pretending like I have to put up with what they offer.  I like to tell myself that there are some men in the world who do half of the housework and care for the children half of the time.  I tell myself that fairy tale a lot for some reason.  These days it's ranking up there with me being a princess locked in a tower and a handsome prince coming by on a white horse and slaying the dragon to rescue me.  I'm not buying it.  Dear men reading this, feel free to email me evidence contrary to these statements.  Make sure you copy your wives and girlfriends on the email to they can confirm or call bullshit.  Because once again, I'm not buying it.
I want to know why in today's world where I'm an educated, successful homeowner that I should have a man in my life.  Sex? Ok, well I'm attracted to women too, so I think this one is on the border.  Not to mention that I have a long standing love affair with Lelo vibrators and my new spectacular shower head.  Companionship?  Clearly you have not met my crew of badass girlfriends who are there to hang out, go dancing, or whatever all the time.  The best part about being single is listening to them bitch about their husbands and boyfriends and then going home happy because nobody is making me miserable.  I think the "making me miserable" statement is one worth exploring.  As a single mom, I do a lot. I work, cook, clean, go shopping, take care of the kids.  You name it, it's all me.  When you have a man around, you end up taking care of him too.  And when he sits there with that jackass look on his face like he just can't possibly leave the tv or computer to help you do dishes or fold laundry or mop the floor, there comes some resentment.  I'm not a housewife.  I'm not even YOUR wife, not that it would matter.  If two adults live in a house then they should take care of it and that is the end of that conversation.  You can't expect someone to take care of you and your kids simply because your ass is in their house.  This is how husbands get their junk cut off in the middle of the night and I really don't need to make the news.
Am I willing to do everything to take care of my kids? 100% yes. Am I willing to wait on some man and his kids as well in exchange for him being my friend and putting out?  I'm gonna say no. In fact, I'm going to say fuck no.  I haven't written in two months.  That's such a long time.  I'm tired.  I feel like I say that more and more.  There are days that I wonder how much people can use me before I am all used up.  I'm still beating myself up over a conversation I had with my girlfriend a few weeks ago who just wanted to talk about her boyfriend. I eventually lost patience and told her she was talking to the wrong person because I don't believe in relationships and I was really sorry but I couldn't see why you would stay with someone who puts you through so much drama and misery.  Run! Run for your life and be free and happy and don't let some fucking man hold the key to whether you smile or feel worthy or not.  And you should see this smart, funny, amazing, bad ass bitch.  Seriously.
I need to do a better job raising my daughter than my mother did for me.  Fuck that fairy tale.  It gets warped from a white horse and dragon slaying into some bozo who comes home from work when you do and helps do half the chores so you can both relax together for an hour before bed.  It's a lie.  The mythical unicorn that never appears.  Did you know that rainbows are actually spherical too? Yeah, there's no end.  They're a circle.  How hilarious is that?  I'm getting a tattoo of a queen crown on my left arm tomorrow. I've started wearing a queen crown on my finger.  When my daughter noticed it, she said "Well, you're the queen. That's right." Because I am the fucking queen.  And I don't need some asshole with a king crown to match.  I don't need anyone to match, validate, or support what I'm doing or what I want.  I painted my bathroom pink because I can. Not asking permission or opinion is a beautiful fucking thing.  Spending that downtime at lunch or after the kids go to bed relaxing reading, doing my nails, or watching tv is amazing.  How about yoga and trips to the beach to just BREATH when my kids aren't with me?
I'm so tired. I think I'll drink a cup of mint tea, do my nails, and watch New Girl because I can and stop thinking about all of this nonsense because that's what it is. Imaginary necessary bullshit that nobody has time for.  Especially me.