Thursday, December 31, 2015

Fuck this year

Welcome to the last day of one of the worst years of my life.  Fucking 2015.  I had such hopes that things would improve, I would find happiness, and everything would be ok.  What did I get?  A shitstorm of lies, attorney bills, and anxiety.  It's the middle of the afternoon and I'm still in my bathrobe.  The thought of getting cute and exiting the house makes me want to cry or punch someone in the face.  I think that means I'm going to stay in bed with my hair sticking straight up because I can.  I have no kids tonight and I found a piece of Sees Candies in a bag by my bed that I thought was empty from last night.  I took that as a sign I should write and get out all of this shit that still stuck in my head from this last year.
I don't feel like I'm a whiny, miserable person by nature.  I feel like I'm relentlessly happy.  The kind of person who would annoy me to death right now.  Normally I'd be waiving my bag containing a chocolate around in the air yelling "you see? it's going to be a GOOD day!" and then post something motivational on facebook about it and seeing the bright side.  Uggghhhh I'm so tired right now. I think my contacts are stuck to my eyeballs and the cat hair I can see from across the room is permanently stuck to the baseboards.  I started my day with seeing fat pics someone posted of me online and a call from a collections department that really depressed me.  I've never been so broke in my entire life.  At least I'm not the collections agent who has to deal with all of us assholes who can't pay our bills.  That chocolate was pretty good and boyfriend fed me lunch that he magically pulled out of the fridge downstairs and there's a cat on my lap.  I also happy to have a super comfy bed and robe.  So it's not so bad.  And there I go again being positive. 
Ok so fine, let's be positive.  Let's turn my miserable fuck this year post into things I should be grateful for and stop all of this laying in bed and feeling fat like a can of busted biscuits.  Boyfriend built me a recessed pantry in my kitchen for xmas.  As in bought wood and paint and created this thing and gave me a ton of counter space.  He also loves to cook and feeds me constantly, which is why I'm fat and not so cold this winter.  Plus he's a snuggle monster and super warm, so I mostly don't even need my winter socks at night in my ridiculously cold room.  His kitchen stuff is also way nicer than mine, so he threw all my crap in storage and pimped out my kitchen.  Then my daughter's dad and his fiance got him the nicest cutting board I've ever seen (totally made up or me being broke and presentless) and he plopped that in my kitchen too and when I made cream puffs and a cake for my daughter's 6th birthday a few days ago I thought I was trapped in a fairy world where I own nice things.  So fuck yeah for my kitchen, food, and being fat and warm with boyfriend.
I'm in desperate need of having my faith in relationships renewed, particularly marriage.  I'm dying here.  I used to have this huge romantic streak and there's a black stain in my heart where it used to reside.  It doesn't help being in the middle of a traumatic divorce where I'm contacted by my attorney regularly over terrible paperwork filed or demanding documentation or paperwork.  It's basically ruined most of my faith in men and marriage.  I feel incredibly used, lied to, and manipulated.  I can't tell you how hard it is to date someone while you're going through this.  Boyfriend doesn't give a fuck.  He's so sure about me and us that it makes me want to cry.  How do I know one day he won't change his mind like everyone else and leave?  I don't.  I never will.  Does he just want money or someone to be there for his kids like other people? Will he cheat on me?  Does he have a secret agenda that I don't know about yet?  Most days I wish I'd met him years ago before this happened to me.  Some days I feel like I'll never recover.  I look for relationships around me where people stay together through good and bad times and fight it out.  I want to see that love still exist. I want to hear of fidelity between people and not stupid excuses like they gained weight, she didn't want sex enough so I was justified, we weren't married so it didn't count, they won't know so it's ok.  It all makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Take it from someone who has been cheated on and walked out on...I don't care about the excuse.  None of it is valid.  What I can say is that I'm grateful to have someone try to convince me every single day that commitment is not a joke and that marriages can be forever, even if I'm unwilling to say I might get married again one day.
My relationship with God was tested and strengthened a lot this year.  I should be grateful for that.  My spiritual progress has been the greatest of anything in 2015.  It's easy to praise God when times are good and hard to have faith when they are bad.  I have held firm to my faith during these times and I am confident that the trials I have faced have not been for nothing.  I will not spend my life being punished over and over.  If I am suffering or have suffered, then it will be to bring hope to others who need it in their times of pain.  That much I am sure of.  And if there's one thing you know about me, I'm an open book.  I'm happy to share my life and myself with anyone who needs it to help them see that life will get better, you can survive any challenge ahead of you, and there is always a light waiting for you.  You have to look at God like the force in Star Wars: there is an energy that runs through everyone and everything, connecting it.  There will always be the light and the temptation of the dark, but in a battle of good vs evil, the good will always win.  Stay faithful even in times when the darkside seems to be winning.  These small victories are temporary because the light will always triumph.  I am grateful for my faith in God that brings me peace when I am panicked, allows me to laugh under stress, love my babies when my heart is breaking, stand tall when my world is crumbling, and find sleep when my mind is racing.
I have suffered with and pulled back from loneliness.  I spent so many hours this year sitting alone in my house after my kids were asleep feeling terrible about myself.  It's a hard thing to survive someone in your house making you feel worthless.  After a while you start to believe them.  I had a lot of other people in my ear speaking the contrary.  I think the sheer volumes of friends and family that fought beside me saved me from depression this year.  People who stopped by with food, sent me money to buy formula, and just showed up to give me a hug.  I had so many people make an effort to meet me on a night I had free, bring me a starbucks and tell me a story of their own to show me I wasn't alone, and make an effort to listen to what I was going through.  I even had a new coworker give me their number and insist I lean on them because they had been through a messy divorce and custody battle as well.  I remember looking to God begging for someone to tell me it was going to be ok and wanting a reason to believe them before this coworker showed up to do just that.  I am incredibly grateful for the army that stands behind me to give me love and support in my darkest times.  So fuck yeah for all of my family and friends who are there for me.
When the clock strikes midnight tonight and 2016 is upon me, I would like a refresh.  A system upgrade.  A new OS.  I want to replace the control panel in my mind with the newest technology.  I want two large glass cylinders, one for love and one for faith, that never are filled to capacity no matter how much I pour into them.  I want a large extinguisher that can put out any flames of panic, worry, or fear.  A large heating pad that melts all doubt and despair and a box of tissues to dry up all of the tears, whether they be happy or sad.  I need the largest, fuzziest blankie that always has room for one more person, adult or child, to snuggle in and feel safe, no matter who they are or how lost they feel.  Because at the end of the day, every person matters and every person is important.  While I can pray for every person who needs it, I would rather sit and listen to them and talk to them until the world seems manageable again.  This is what I want for 2016 and I will believe that it will be the greatest year I've ever seen.  

Friday, December 4, 2015

Break your heart right back

My friend once told me that she wanted the truth for me.   We joked about how everything she asks for seems to come to fruition.  Today is no different: I am burdened by an over abundance of the truth in the worst way.  I'm on the of those people who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I think people are fundamentally good and the rules are in place for a reason and we should abide by them for the greater good.  I'm not an anarchist.  I don't believe issues with authority are endearing.  In fact, I have a very low tolerance for that crap.  I think people need to grow up and take responsibility for their actions and this world that we have all put together.  It's for better or worse, we are all stuck together with no option for divorce.
So what happens when you have someone in your life that you can't get rid of that violates all of the fundamental beliefs of who you are?  That's where I am.  I'm stuck.  I'm tied to someone who doesn't play by the rules and is a selfish monster.  My counselor likes to tell me that there's no coping mechanism to deal with crazy.  When you have a narcissist torturing you, you can't rely on them to do the right thing, be a good person, follow the rules, or take anyone into consideration but themselves.  I'm tied to the kind of person that I've spent my life either pretending didn't exist or trying to fix.  Instead it seems I'm getting my eyes opened instead.  What it's doing is producing massive amounts of anxiety because someone has challenged one of the fundamental truths of my world.  I have to accept that people are good, you aren't protected and can't protect your kids from evil, when given the chance, people don't take the high road and make the right decision.  And this isn't the monster in the mirror.  This monster is very real.  He takes food from the table.  He steals my sleep and fills my head with nightmares.  He steals my happy moments and fills them with dread.  He needs to be stopped.
I want to say that I have a great plan right now so my ears could be filled with cheers, but I don't.  I have no way out.  In fact, I don't even see a light at the end of the tunnel.  After six months and 10 thousand dollars, I have nearly lost all hope.  I see no end to this disaster.  There is no limit to his selfishness and the amount he wants to punish me and my family for whatever slight he's told himself occurred.  Do I trust the legal system to protect me?  I don't know anymore.
Everyone tries to distract me.  I'm so lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family members to hug me, encourage me, and talk to me about nothing to take my mind off of it.  There are days I don't recognize my own face in the mirror.  I've earned those worry lines on my face and the dark circles.  At the age of 35 I'm facing the possibility of losing my car because my dad can't help me pay for it anymore.  I'm granted the grace of visiting my sister simply because her family is willing to pay for a plane ticket.  The day when my credit card is maxed out and I am out of options is fast approaching.  I am a woman who has faith and believes in God, but it's hard to deny the numbers, especially with my bank account still empty waiting for a child support payment so I can go grocery shopping and get gas just to drive to work.  So put your hands on my shoulders and look into my eyes and tell me I will get through this.  That after six long months of suffering something will change.  That God is never late.  Once I finally have my head pushed under water, will He give me gills to breath?  I shouldn't be sitting at a tiny kindergarten table having a parent teach conference panicking because I can't deal with anyone because I'm so overwhelmed.  There is no music mindless enough or movie funny enough to clear my mind.  There is no form of math to crunch the numbers to make them magically work and give me any sense of relief.  Just more court dates.  Just more demands over and over again.  Nothing seems to be good enough.  All I can do is pray.
Dear God,
Please help me.  I'm so tired.  My chest hurts from all of this worry and I can't take much more.  I feel myself slowly giving up and I know I can't do that.  If falling apart is not an option, then I need the strength to carry on.  Please bring peace to my heart and calm my nerves because I cannot do it for myself any longer.  They say you are never late, so where are you today when I can't take anymore?  I have come to understand that my purpose in life is to help people by bringing them hope from my own experiences.  I've lived such a hard life with so many hardships.  I have also overcome so many health issues.  I am still here to tell the tale, and I tell it to as many people as come to me.  I am trying to walk the path that you have put infront of me. My faith remains unshaken.  I shouldn't question how bad it's going to get, but I can't help it.  I suppose if my mission is to help uplift women all over the world, then I would have to suffer at the hands of the worst monster any have ever seen.  I am certainly experiencing that now.  When I tell people about the lies, cheating, other babies, demands, and dangerous behavior, they can't believe that it's real.  They tell me it sounds like a movie.  I can only hope that means there is a happy ending.  For six months I've woken up each morning and drawn a breath into my tight chest and taken on the day.  Every night I'd laid down and closed my eyes and tried to block out the monsters screaming inside my head.  I need to know there will be an end to this.  I need to know that I will get through this to the other side.  The tunnel seems so long that I can't see the light.  After six long months, I need to know that the eye of the storm is passing over me.  I am in desperate need of hope today.  Last night I found myself thinking that this is how my life is now and that I'll never be free.  I'll never be happy again.  I can't slip into that oblivion.  I cannot believe that you have pulled me out of that hospital bed to torture me.  I will not believe that I survived a second pregnancy to suffer every day and not enjoy my children.  That cannot be my fate.  This cannot be how my story ends.  Please protect my family and keep us together.  Please restore my faculties so that I can believe that this is temporary. Calm my nerves and still my fears.  Show me the way to keep a roof over our heads and protect us from the evil that continues to try to hurt us.  As I have repeated many times throughout good times in bad in my life, I will repeat my favorite Baha'i  prayer from my childhood now: Is there any remover of difficulties, save God? Say: Praise be God, He is God. All are his servants and all abide by His bidding.