Wednesday, November 18, 2015

1000 proof won't hide the truth

I've always thought it must be a terrible thing to be a liar.  To have to remember your story, think before you answer, pay attention who you are talking to, and remember your story.  I've seen people convince themselves the truth doesn't matter.  I've seen them lie to themselves so much for so long that they forget what's real and what's fake.  The thing is, the truth has a way of finding you eventually.  As someone who has been chronically lied to over the past few years, I find the truth a great blessing.  And while the truth may have set me free by giving me the opportunity to see things more clearly, it revealed the liar to be a much greater monster than I ever could've imagined.
I want to take a minute to thank the women of the world for acting like real women.  Thank you to those women who put their kids first.  Thank you to those of you who know how to support your fellow sisters, build each other up, stand your ground for what is right, and above all, bless those of you who tell stories with proof.  It's a hard thing to know who to trust these days.  I feel like I've been taken advantage of by one of the biggest con artists that I've ever come across.  Victim is just not a look that looks good one me, but I feel like it's been forced upon me for too long.  Do I feel better knowing that I was not the only one taken advantage of?  No, I do not.  I do feel good knowing that women can bond together and say, hey, this wasn't your fault.  You will be ok.  Your kids will recover from this.  Life goes on. I feel good knowing that children can be raised by people who believe in good, honesty, family, and rising above evil that has been done to them so their children are not being punished.  I'm telling you right now I'm bending over backwards to see the blessing in my tragic situation and I'm struggling.
Everything happens for a reason, right?  I'm supposed to learn something from this mess around me?  How about I've learned to value my female friendships.  Lord knows I'm still struggling with men, but I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love the women around me.  I am so incredibly blessed to have friends around this country that stand behind me, who I trust, rely upon, and confide in.  I know the value of being a good friend and I do my best to be one and appreciate those rock stars around me.  Those crazy bitches who are fighting cancer and call me the strongest person they know. Towers of strength who lose their houses and jobs and move across the country and almost lose their husbands too, but hold that shit together.  Women who selflessly give up their careers, dreams, goals, and ambitions for the good of their children.  And I'm the strongest person they know?  Ladies, thank you, but no.  I am only as strong as my support structure and I come with an army of steel behind me.  But that steel is built of love and determination.  Not lies, selfishness, and personal gain.  Didn't you know things like love, honesty, selflessness, and are what rule the world?
I feel like I'm always involved in some battle these days.  Someone always needs me.  There's some situation to be straightened out and I need to be level headed enough to give the right advice and stand in the right position.  I want to say it's stressful or I hate it, but I don't. Honestly I have great pride in the fact that so many people turn to me for help and advice.  I must be doing something right of that to happen.  I wonder if they knew all I was trying to do was be honest, fair, and do the right thing.  Literally treat others how I want to be treated.  Do I get an award for that?  It seems like what I get is a terrible past and present full of pain and suffering.  Does my future hold that too?  Is my purpose to bring hope to others through a lifetime of suffering?  I hope not.  I would like to think that a lot of my suffering is behind me, but that seems so incredibly naive and optimistic than I should be. It has always seemed to be my purpose to have the story to tell to uplift someone who needs it.
Not a day goes by that I don't get a text message from one of my beloved friends in need of advice.  What should I do about my ex?  Help me I had a miscarriage.  I'm suffering. I'm lost. I'm sick. I need help.  And I tell them I am always there for them and I love them no matter what.  And so they tell me and I continue to love them for their bravery in honesty and their willingness to do better, to persevere, to be forged through the flames of suffering to a stronger version of themselves.  Everyone needs a lifeline.  We all want someone to hold our hands through our scariest moments.  I can't help but wonder if there will come a time that someone will hold mine.
I don't have a problem with the truth. I accept the reality of my life and my bad decisions.  I seem to be constantly reminding people of what really happened.  No, you did cheat on that person. You did lie. You need to accept what happened and make it right.  Do you see how you are forcing this?  Why isn't it working out?  What are you not seeing?  Why does this happen over and over again?  And for me, well, I suppose I have this blog and my counselor.  Lately I've had a damn boyfriend of all things.  I say damn because it's absolutely ridiculous in this moment in my life to have a man there doing his best to hold my hand, take care of me, and promise me the world.  Seriously, like we are going to be together forever and let's get married and all of this crap that happens when you're young and innocent and you think that shit is possible.  Here I had screamed to the heavens that I would die alone if I had anything to do with it and he showed up anyway.  It's nothing against him. I believe that he's sincere in what he says to me.  Sometimes I go along with it and believe.  Other days I get lost in the sheer volume of times it's been said to me.  I've had more rings than I have fingers to wear them.  I've had 7 wedding dresses.  I've also spent over 10k in attorney fees for a divorce that's nowhere near over.  Can you blame me for not wanting white dresses and diamond rings anymore?  Do you see why it's hard to believe those promises?  I've had men look into my eyes and say the same words and mean it, then cheat on me.  I've been conned into getting married, pregnant right away, then abandoned and taken to court with no reason given and found out that man is nowhere close to who I thought he was.  How do you know the truth?
I can't turn into one of those people who does a background check on every man who tells me he loves me.  I can't question everyone's past and what they say is true.  I understand that everyone tells a slightly jaded version of their story, but flat out lying is something different.  I have always been good at reading people, so being taken advantage of the way I was is such a hard blow to me.  It makes trusting a new man very, very difficult because it calls into question my ability to decipher the truth.  I'm not sure what I know about people these days.  I can tell you that I love the idea of a family.  I loved being married to my daughter's father.  I look forward to family dinners, walks in the park, and family vacations.  I've gotten to a place where I've accepted it will never be mine and I will never be married again.  It almost hurts me to have it dangled in front of my face like this again.  Today, I am still tied to my ex and I couldn't get married again even if I wanted to and who knows how long that will go on.  For the first time I really do feel like damaged goods.  I feel old and used and thrown aside and I have trouble with that.  What I can tell you is I no longer believe that you only get to fall in love once in your life.  I've been shown that's possible again.  My heart did not die when my daughter's father left me.  It is still very much alive and well, just starved for attention.  I think what has died is my ability to believe in someone.  You can love someone and not think they'll stay with you and treat you right.  You can build a friendship and relationship and have a sadness reserved in the back of your mind wondering how bad it will hurt when they finally betray you and leave.  You can't plan weddings with those thoughts.  You can't promise someone your forever.
But if I am meant to love someone and have that family, then I can't repress that either. I have to be strong enough to let go of the control and let whatever will happen, happen.  My daughter's father was my very best friend and we had a beautiful little girl.  Yes, he broke my heart and I nearly died from it, but we were able to be friends again and he's a wonderful co-parent.  My ex showed up and took advantage of me and lied and got me pregnant and then left.  My son is the light of my life.  He was not an accident and he was meant to be here.  Now what?  This man shows up literally at my front door with his two little girls and is doing his best to love me and take care of me.  I'm actually happy with him in a way that I haven't been happy in years.  So I will either find a way to trust him or I will fulfill the destiny of being alone.  I'm not even wishing for one or the other at this point.  I'm ignoring my heart and my head.  Today I'm confused.  I'm sad, anxious, disappointed, hopeful, and scared.  I'm grateful for the truth.  I'm grateful for the people in my life.  I need to take a deep breath and pull myself out of this mess and up to higher ground.  I'm in desperate need of the warmth from the sun