Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Fire of 1000 suns

I think I'm depressed.  Except I'm fat and I'm always skinny when I'm depressed, so maybe I'm just anxious with a side of bummed out.  It's possible.  The boyfriend asked me how to make me feel better when I'm depressed and it occurred to me that I have absolutely no idea.  It's something my little sister was always able to take care of.  Maybe call her?  I don't know.  I'm pretty sure it's something about the tone of her voice that fixes it.  This is me picturing him making a girly voice and still not feeling better.  Ugh I'm depressed.
Over the past year plus, I feel like I've had the holy fuck kicked out of me.  There are days when I wish the emotional terrorism was physical so at least some of it would heal.  Sometimes I feel like I get worse every day.  If it's possible to get PTSD from shit like that, then I absolutely do.  Never underestimate a long term, terrible relationship's ability to permanently fuck you up.  Not that I'm committed to being permanently damaged.  In fact, I have my moments where I think that I'll be ok again.  Me starting to cook again is a good sign on its own.  My ex wouldn't eat my cooking and made me feel like I didn't know what I was doing in the kitchen.  Me who had been cooking for my family since I was a teenager.  Me who fed all of my college friend repeatedly because they knew that there was always home cooked food at my house.  Me who makes Thanksgiving dinner ever year with so much pride and love.  I know how to make pie crust.  I can whip out a real lasagna.  My kids deserve healthy, home cooked food and I know how to make goddammit.
I need more anger in my day to day thoughts.  I feel too much sadness.  Too much uncertainty in how things will turn out.  And in the way of an emotionally abused person, I'm afraid of nothing.  I'm scared of what might happen instead of dealing with what is happening.  It's no way to live.  There are days that I dread what might happen so much that I don't want to get out of bed and clean my house.  I don't want to fold the laundry.  I don't want the sun to come up so I can hide.  But go ahead and make me angry and I jump up and start doing things.  Cross one thing off my list and I go for another.  I remember I have things I need to do, people need me, and I want to keep going.  Maybe I just can't be left alone in the dark too long.
I feel like a loser a lot of the time.  I hate that my dad has to make my car payment because I can't afford it.  I hate that I charge everything on credit because I don't have the cash to keep my life going.  It makes me sick to my stomach wondering what will happen to my house if I keep going down this path.  It's stupid to be concerned about my kids having to share a room because I have to rent one out.  I have this voice in my head screaming at me THIS ISN'T HOW THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Well excuse me, accusatory asshole.  It's not like this was in my plans either.  I was supposed to be happily married with my two kids...one from my husband and one who is in love with her step father that dotes on her to the point of wearing a batman costume to read her bedtime stories because she's worth the effort.  Ah yes, I still have that picture.  The memory is still in my head of...better days?  Other days.  Another life, maybe.  I'm not sure what that was anymore.  People are so surprised that he left me and filed for divorce the way he did.  They ask me all the time what happened.  What did he want from me?  Why did he marry me and get me pregnant just to leave?  Didn't he love us?  Was it all an act?  I have no answers.  I'm just sad.  I'm sad for my kids, mostly.  This wasn't what I wanted for them.
It hurts me to hear my daughter talk about relationships.  She's so sure that when you get married and have a baby that the daddy leaves.  If you ask me, I'll say he at least cheats on you.  I've seen it that way for about 90% of the couples that I talk to.  Men who have affairs while their wives are pregnant or taking care of the baby.  Ah yes, life is hard with kids.  It's so hard not to hold things against innocent men who haven't done anything to you specifically.  But what are the odds that they fall into the 10% instead of the vast majority?
I think some of the issues I have with relationships are that I'm not sure what to think.  There are days I think that people don't change and your inclinations are your inclinations.  Then I think people can grow up and make mistakes then do better.  Other times I think that you act different ways with different people.  None of that goes together.  I know I always say I reserve the right to change my mind, but it can't be midday, every day.  Maybe men can feel insecure and look to other women for validation then realize that's a bad plan and move on.  Ok, even I'm laughing at that. I've never met a man that survived being pursued by a woman.  When I talk to men who cheated on their wives/gfs and the girl hit on them, they seriously act like I'm insane to suggest they say no.  I've had exes give their number to strange women just because they asked.  They even told me about it!  Ok, so maybe the crazy is local to them, but maybe not.
I'll tell you what I know.  I've only ever gotten STDs while I was married.  I was under the impression that I was only going to get to experience true love once in my life and I was wrong.  As it turns out, a woman who has been divorced three times with two kids from two different dads is still someone to fight over.  Through all the damage I've been through, my heart still wants to be open, trusting, and loving.  I don't believe
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This entry was written the afternoon of 9/23/15 and was interrupted by a call from my attorney and the latest of many battles I'm having to face.  It filled me with such sadness that I forgot all about this entry.  I went to see my counselor a few days later and told him I was feeling depressed and felt so much anxiety and panic over this situation and he gave me a book to read and assured me I am going to get through this, just like everything else.  Ah the dark days.  They seem to stretch on forever, don't they?  I feel like I have more to say, but I'm not ready to write anything else just now.  Today is my son's first birthday and I'm picking up my daughter to go have dinner with my son and his father as well.  As it should be?  I don't know.  Most of the time I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I take these small gestures as good faith that things will be better one day, even if deep down I feel like they won't.  I feel like everything is fake and people get close to you just to hurt you more.  So now I'm off to birthday dinner and my ocean of sadness comes with me.  No matter how many shores I see or towels I grab, my fingers remain wrinkled and wet.