Saturday, March 21, 2015

Mr know it all

I'll never get over how people think that details equal a person.  Do you really think you can know a bunch of stuff about me, some situations I've been in, and how I feel about some things in a moment and think you know me? Weird.  First off, I live my life by the motto that I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.  It makes it really hard to pinpoint who someone is when they are committed to growing and changing with the circumstances.  How long have I been an adult now?  17/18 years?  I think about all of the things I've been through, all of the people I've met, and how many times I've changed my mind about something and it literally overwhelms me.  I wonder if I'd to be held accountable for all of the things I've said and done in the past.  I guess the question is accountable to whom.  Other people?  Certainly not. I pride myself on not giving a fuck was 99% of the population thinks about me.  Accountable to myself, yes. To God, absolutely.  I've been trying to figure out what that really means.
I wasn't raised any Christian denomination.  I have plenty of experience in the various factions, though.  I dated a man raised Mormon for 5 years.  My first husband was Jewish.  My last husband was Catholic.  I feel like an outsider looking in when it comes to organized religion.  I'm trying to figure it all out.  I've been trying to wrap my mind around this idea of an eternal reward.  Be faithful, be righteous, and you will be rewarded.  Heaven and eternal happiness up in Heaven with God and all the angels, right?  Milkshakes in the clouds and puppy dogs as far as the eye can see.  What a weird idea.  It's like you're bribing people to be decent human beings.  I've always been more on the Santa Claus state of mind: Be good for goodness sake.  I grew up being a good person because it's the right thing to do. I tell my daughter to be a good person because that's what you should do.  No matter how anyone behaves, it is not an excuse to be a jerk to them because you know better.  I'm tempted to say that God plays the good cop and bad cop, right?  He sees you if you're bad and you're totally busted, but if you ask for forgiveness, then you get to go to Heaven.  I swear Dogmatic law has really turned everyone in circles.  Let me explain.
So whatever man holds true on earth will be upheld in Heaven, right?  That's the deal.  So you can confess your sins and be forgiven...which means you can do whatever you want knowing you can go confess.  You can literally live your life doing whatever you want and confess and repent every Sunday or the last Sunday of your life and the result is the same.  That shit doesn't make sense to me, I'm sorry.  I've been seeing a lot of people who talk the talk and don't walk the walk.  Be good. Pray. Believe.  And then they don't.  They just don't.  So what gives?  Are you just told to believe, believe, do it, do it, and you don't have the energy to resist so you pretend?  That sounds really shitty to me.  I have met some people who really do believe.  They have faith and they know that God is there and listening.  You may not understand, but you know you are not alone.  What do I always say?  Be afraid.  Do it anyway.
So maybe you don't understand God's will.  Ok. Does that mean you curse Him when things don't go your way and only praise him when they do?  That's nonsense.  Do you think that if you pray for something and you don't get it then that means that God isn't listening?  A prayer is not a wish list that hangs from the adopt a family tree in the mall that someone picks up and fulfills for you.  It's not a baby registry.  You might be asking for something that you really don't want.  You might not understand what is coming.  That's why they call it faith.  Have faith that the Lord knows you.  Have faith that there is a plan for you.  Have faith that you are special and you are not alone.  Your job is not to judge.  It is to believe.  Maybe the world would be a better place if people spent more time listening to God and trying to be a good person instead of looking for a loophole that allows them to be shitty and selfish and get a "fix" at church.  Then you see those same people be skeptical about those of us who do have faith in God.  Am I wrong because I don't take an organized religion's title?  Sorry I'm not Christian so I can't have faith in God?  I don't think so.  Last time I checked, God didn't require me to be any one religion to believe in Him.
Line um up. Line up all the holy books.  Every profit.  Listen.  It's the same message out of a different mouth.  Do you want to know why?  Because God is God and it doesn't matter who you are, where you live, what time you were born into, and what your parents' religion is.  It has been very frustrating for me to see a beautiful message become twisted by people.  And I get it, people aren't perfect and that's the point, right?  Do you see what I'm talking about with the circular patterns here?  Imperfect people come up with the idea of Dogmatic law.  They create the ultimate loophole that allows you to repent at any time to be forgiven and go to Heaven.  Faith is a struggle.  When the idea of being good is coupled with a bribe of an afterlife, it becomes easy to get trapped into a cycle of doing something with the promise of something in return.  Ok, I'll pray if I get what I want.  If I don't, then God doesn't love me or I don't believe.  Oh wait, I'm sorry, let me ask for forgiveness.  Ok, everything is fine now, still going to Heaven.  Thumb's up!  And don't forget to leave your money in the collection plate.
If it's ok with you, I'll just pray to God on my own over here.  I'm not upset at anyone.  I think organized religion is a good way to pass on morals to your kids.  It's a great way to make friends with people of a similar mindset and have a sense of community.  I'm not mad. I don't even think I'm disappointed.  I think I'm just sad.  It all seems like such a mess of good intentions and a bunch of uncertainty.  The only thing I can do is have faith that it's not up to me to figure out.  Seems like a copout, doesn't it? And I've been told that my faith is surprising to people who know me, which makes no sense at all.
After I had my daughter, I almost died.  I was put on long term disability and bed rest, to be revisited in 10-20 years.  Yet I walk around every day. I was told that my body would never support another pregnancy, yet my son is sleeping in his crib down the hall.  I feel that my ability to function is purely by the grace of God.  There is no medical explanation, but there is a divine one.  Most days I don't understand the why of my life.  But I do believe I'm here for a reason and when I pray, I pray for guidance to fulfill it.  And these days, when I am full of questions and feel so lost, praying to God is one of the only things I can rely on.  

Friday, March 13, 2015

I'm here

This is a tired place.  The place where too many people ask you for favors, where the people you should lean on are not there for support, and you find yourself asking for too many favors too many times.  This is the place where you look in the mirror and you're not sure what you're looking at anymore.  Lean in close to the mirror and look at those dark circles that have been there for years.  They're never going away, my dear.  Look at the lines around your eyes and mouth from so much smiling and hours of laughter.  There hasn't been much of that for a long time around here.  My freckles seem darker and my skin paler from spending all of my time inside infront of a computer.  There are no more brunches on Saturdays and no more trips to the beach to listen to the waves.  I'm home these days.  I've never been a fan of the word "toil", but that's what it feels like. That's what I do around the house.  Baby proofing, cooking, cleaning, comforting, wiping up messes, soothing hurts, brushing hair, folding laundry.  I don't take showers by myself anymore because there is a little person that accompanies me.  I don't sleep longer than 3-4 hour stretches anymore because there is an even smaller person who wakes me for comfort.  My dry eyes, unkept hair, and comforting arms belong to them.  To this house.
Do you remember being a child and looking at your mother and thinking she was the most beautiful person in the whole world?  Do you remember her laugh, her smell, her loving touch?  I wonder if my kids will remember those things about me.  It's hard to believe when I look in the mirror that mommy is the most beautiful woman in the world.  Even in matching mathing suits.  Especially when I feel like I can literally roll my stretched out stomach skin up and tuck it into my bikini bottoms.  And I don't care.  I know that the skin will tighten up after a year or so, but it's not enough of an issue for me to bother with buying a one piece and trying to hide my body.  I've had two children, what do you expect?  I'm not a super model with a personal chef and plastic surgeon.  I'm just mom and I still like to go to the pool with my little ones, even if I did just give birth 5 months ago.
I feel like my life is in chaos right now and I have no control over it.  I think you could take any of the issues in just one single area in my life and they would overwhelm any normal person.  And for some reason I'm expected to handle them all.  Can I ask permission to be a normal person for awhile?
I have a daycare that I love, run by a woman who I consider family, that happens to close all of the time.  With my daughter, I had a much stronger support system to combat this.  My sister didn't have a job and could watch my little one.  Her dad would take off of work, his parents would take her during holidays.  Even my coworker would take off of work to watch her.  Today I have none of those things.  None.  Different situation entirely and I feel the full responsiblity on my shoulders and the burden is great.  I haven't been able to sleep or eat for the past three days because of it.  My whole body hurts.  What do I do? Move my baby somewhere and hurt someone I care about and not feel as comfortable with the people watching him?  Or do I put my job in jeopardy because I have to call out sick 6 times in two months because of someone's vacations and personal affairs?  It's hardly fair.  As a mother I know that 80% of my vacation time goes to taking care of sick children and I'm fine with that.  But 6 days when they are healthy?  I can't do it. It's not possible.  And while I've had a friend or family member step up to help me here and there, it's not enough.  And I can't keep asking for help.
Then there is my daughter who is incredibly intelligent and equally as stubborn.  She is having trouble adjusting to being in school and her teacher suspected a developmental issue.  I forwarded a note from her teacher to her ped without reading it.  Such a stupid mistake. I'll spend months if not years kicking myself for being so damn careless.  I really want to whine, "but I'm tired and I'm busy!" I'm her mom. It's my job to take the time and not rush.  So off went the note full of information that was not discussed with me and that does not pertain to my daughter or the issues she's having.  All of a sudden we are talkin about ADHD when nobody, not even her doctor or an occupational therapist had any inclination towards that diagnosis.  All because of one fucking note that landed in her medical chart and her school record.  Fuck me.  I do not have the energy to fight this.  I do not have the time to make the calls, talk to all of these people, get proper documentation, and fix this.  I feel like I am just quietly sitting on the railroad tracks waiting for the train to come sometimes.  This is one of those times. So now the government assessment forms are being sent out and she will get a diagnosis based on them, I suppose.  I don't know.  I am upset beyond words and I feel like I have nobody to talk to about it on a regular basis and nowhere to get real support.  Just an ear for a few mintues here and there from those family and friends who check in.
I won't go into details about my job.  I love what I do and I've said that pretty consistently for the past 12 years.  I'm lucky to have an understanding boss and excel at my position.  But my job comes with a tremendous amount of pressure and responsibility.  It also does not pay enough to support an adult, two kids in school, and one 13 year old cat in a condo in Southern California and that bothers me every day.  Wouldn't it be nice to just be able to make it paycheck to paycheck without depending on someone else?  Why can't a family live on one income here?  I don't understand.  I used to say it was worth it for the perks in CA, but honestly I don't see the light of day anymore.  I could probably be living anywhere and be equally miserable.  I hate that I feel that way right now.  I know I'm not alone. My daughter's father's fiance does pick up both kids for me on Weds nights so I can go to yoga.  I am incredibly grateful for that and it's a huge deal to give me that break, but I just feel like shit right now and I want to cry into my cadbury mini eggs.
My girlfriend who had come over to watch the baby for me one of the days I was desperately trying to work from home with my son while daycare was closed brought me a new cellphone case.  It says "don't forget to 'listen to God's voice in everything you do and everywhere you go; He's the one that will keep you on track'" Proverbs 3:6.  She said she ordered a different one for me, but that one showed up.  Of course it's perfect.  I read it and I think about the walks I used to take.  The beaches I would lay on and the sounds I would hear.  There are beautiful trees outside of my balcony and patio at home.  God, are you listening?  I know you're out there.  I've been told that you don't give people more than they can handle, but I think we are pushing the limit here.  I'm falling apart.  I'm someone who needs to love and help. I'm not good at living in a warzone with everything in chaos around me.  If you're looking for a limit, then I think you've reached it.  Please send re-enforcements.  I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.