Friday, April 28, 2017

The next venture

In case you're looking for me, the real me, the next venture is up:
This will be my last post here. Thank you for following along. On to better days
The Elitist

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

I think this is goodbye...for now

I hate that this thought has been popping into my head almost as much as I hate the fact that I'm actually going to listen to it and follow through.  I think I need to stop writing here. 
Let me start by telling you when has been keeping me up until 2am every night, because let me tell you: my brain never lies in the middle of the night.  I've been thinking about all of the ways I screwed up my last marriage.  Yes, the one to my son's father--the one who was awful to me and caused me to have panic attacks and nearly a nervous breakdown through our marriage and traumatic divorce.  Still.  Nobody is innocent and I can always find something to learn from the worst of situations.  But I feel like I need to back up a little bit for this to make sense.  Let me try again.
I started this version of this blog when my daughter's dad had left me.  Way back then (Feb 2011?) my heart and my brain were broken. Everything I though I knew about love and relationships was gone. Obliterated. I was certain that crazy love didn't exist more than once and I had rolled those dice and lost.  All of the very important things that I'd learned in that relationship were hurled into the trash alone with all of those beautiful glass xmas ornaments that I smashed on the ground in the garage.  I threw it all out and never looked back. I was wrong to do that. 
When I had agreed to marry my son's father, I believed that I had healed. I honestly did. I thought I was ready to commit myself to a man who would be a good father to our child and my daughter.  And to be fair he was. He's great with kids. It was me he did not do well with.  I'm going to come right out and say that I had no business marrying him.  I was an idiot to not take myself into account when entering into a relationship.  I should've said no. I loved him, but I was not in love with him.  Not like I was with my daughter's husband. Not like I am now.  I used to tell myself all sorts of stupid things, like I didn't respect him because nobody has my memory, or him earning money was good enough, or that we matched in attractiveness so that should count for something.  So we have a good looking kid with a lot of nice stuff and a mother and father who are not married.  Fail.  I didn't show him the respect that he or our marriage deserved and I am sincerely sorry for that.  I didn't treat him like an equal adult in the house. I put my daughter first.  It was us against him.  I would talk bad about him when he was mean to me instead of keeping it between us. I know better.  Maybe I couldn't see it then. Maybe I didn't want to. I don't know.
The fact of the matter is that I've been with a man who I've fallen madly in love with since. As in knock my socks off and scare me half to death in love.  The kind of in love that makes you want to scream at them then cry when they leave the room because you think you'll die without them.  The stuff that makes my blood pressure drop when they leave the state because all of a sudden they've become my favorite face and I can't live without them.  Those are the things that make you get married secretly in Vegas and get a vasectomy with a prenup. Because we may be madly in love, but please, we are not kids anymore.
And just like that, I'm a family of 6 now.  I have a mermaid tattoo on my arm with one little seahorse and 3 little fishies for our kids because that's how my heart feels and it doesn't have anything to do with legal documents.  This condo of mine became our home and I know that if he were to leave me I would have to move because he's in every inch of every room.  I'm in that relationship with family dinner and family trips to the park and family walks where we get ice cream. I feel like I live in a fucking sitcom, including the part where the kids draw on my walls with marker and everyone laughs because the baby is spoiled by his three big sisters just as much as mom and dad.  I am the melting pot: persian, white, hispanic, and black, but with no colors seen or discussed.  Just family.
I've come to realize that all of those scars I thought were healed from my divorce from my daughter's dad were not healed at all.  They were patched.  The pain from having these resurface has been unreal.  So I've tried to talk about them with my partner and tackle each head on.  I'm grateful I can just say I'm scared and cry or say I'm being defensive but it doesn't have to do with you and get some space. I am finally feeling some peace.  I'm finally feeling some trust again.  I've said over and over that I don't believe in relationships and that they are a farce.  That was most certainly the damage talking, but it wouldn't make me back down.  After six very long years, my heart is softening. 
To be honest, I don't really want to have a secret, anonymous blog anymore.  I think I want to just write.  I want him to be able to read it.  I want my kids to be able to read it one day without me getting nervous.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed of anything in these pages.  I'm very proud of the person I've become and everything that I've been through. But I don't think my journey continues past this point any longer.  Not here.  I think that after some sort of break, my heart will lead me down a new, more transparent path.  I want to say that I'm going to miss this space, but honestly, I don't think that I will.  How could anyone miss a place of pain and despair and darkness?  My brother called these years the Dark Years.  I just didn't realize they had gone on so long. I do believe I'm ready to pack my things and move on.
Thank you to everyone who has shared this journey with me with this entry or any of the 160+ before it.  As always, there is another adventure on the horizon calling my name.
The Elitist

Sunday, February 26, 2017

A letter: A little space

My soon to be husband,

We spend a lot of time together, my love.  We spend so much time together, in fact, that I rarely have a moment to sit back and reflect on us, our relationship, and how much my heart has changed since I've met you. I used to write all the time and I find myself doing that very infrequently now.  Every time I try to make time for it, I realize that I'm doing something else instead: I'm talking to you.  Instead of recording all of my thoughts, feelings, and fears, I'm saying them out loud to you. I tell you all of my secrets.  Everything in my head, even when I think you don't want to hear them.  Even when they take you to a dark place.  Especially when I'm stuck in a dark place.
I don't think I've made it a secret that I felt the idea of love and relationships were lost on me. I claimed to be a romantic that didn't buy the story anymore. I thought my heart would never truly heal and love the real way ever again because I didn't believe it really had ever existed. I had convinced myself that I had been fooled all of these years.  I wanted to believe that I had exactly one chance to fall madly in love and when it ended and nearly killed me, I had promised myself that it would never happen again. When my daughter was 2 she told me that mommy's heart had broken into a million pieces and now it is hard as a diamond and will never be broken again. And I believed her. I had hardened myself against that possibility and made plenty of mistakes because of it. And then you came along.
I spent a long time trying not to let you in. I felt that I could have sex with someone and care for them and still keep them at a distance. Adding my children in and yours as well was difficult, but I seemed to manage it.  We would argue and I would remind myself that relationships don't work and love doesn't really exist outside of a parent/child relationship, so I didn't need to bother with being really upset about something that was imaginary. I told you. I told everyone. 
I have spend hours upon hours praying to God to fix this thing that is wrong with me. To restore my faith in love and marriage. I wanted to believe in it more than anything and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't let myself really feel all of those things. I had no idea how God would heal a heart that perhaps didn't want to be healed. How does He change a mind that doesn't want to take the risk again? I had no answers, but I continued to pray. 
And you have been so stubborn. I have always been impressed by how you believe it. You fight for us. You never give up. Even when it is terrible, you find a way to make it back to me and shake me into submission. It scares me to death. The idea of loving someone so much that my heart would give out and the man I loved would look at me and ask me to not die and not really mean it scared me beyond anything I can describe.  Why would I want to do that again? Why would anyone want to be laying on a table ready to die of a broken heart and ask for that punishment again? Had I not learned my lesson? Apparently not.
A little over a year ago I went to visit my sister in PA and took the kids. I remember being annoyed with you for loving me the way you did. I thought it was silly the way you missed me.  I brushed it off as silly infatuation and told myself that you didn't really miss me, but maybe you were just used to me or didn't want to be alone. I think it scared me to see someone be in love who had not been hurt the way I had before.  I remember coming home from that trip and starting to feel differently. I tried to tell you several times over the past year that my mind had started change after February of last year and I wasn't sure why. Maybe I was finally ready to admit to myself that I missed you.  Maybe the way our family came together affected me. I couldn't shake seeing the six of us together going on walks, having dinner, going to the park and to church. It was the family I had always wanted. But was I going to risk it all for that? I still wasn't sure.
You asked me to marry you on July 31 and I said yes and I cried. I cried a lot. I didn't want to tell anyone because I was scared.  Scared of what people would think of me getting engaged again, scared of what being married would mean to me when it was with someone that I saw the potential to really lose my heart to.  But I still said yes and continued to pray to God to help me recover.  I have long since left the hospital, but the wounds had never really left my heart.
I have let you see the worst of me.  The crying, the depression, the glass smashing mess that I can be. I have yelled and screamed at you. Threatened you and called you names. I have been embarrassed and ashamed of my actions and still managed to let you to love me when i felt I didn't deserve it. I have listened to you apologize when it was my fault because you cared more about us than anything that has happened. I told myself through clenched teeth not to believe it.  That I was a phase and it wouldn't last.  That you would lose weight, reestablish your career, find your stride taking care of your kids, then leave me.  Because who loves a stepping stone?  Nobody. But you haven't left. Everyone told me that you met me when I was broken and you liked taking care of me and then when I would recover you would not like the strong woman that I am supposed to be.  That you would turn on me and resent me and take your love from me when I wasn't what you thought I was.  But you didn't.
And now nearly two years later, here we are. You took your children to FL to take care of your family and the scariest thing that could've possibly happened to me has happened: my blood pressure dropped and I nearly fainted last night. I didn't want to tell you and scare you. I'm not even sure you would know what that meant, but I know what it means. It means I love you the real way. The way that has the potential to kill me.  The way that moves from my heart to my brain and takes over who I am because the reality of being without you makes me sad enough to impact my health.  
Now I'm not sitting here crying all day and night. I'm going out and seeing friends and having fun, but I can't sleep. I miss your voice and your hands and the way that you look at me. I have no desire to live without you. In fact, the idea of you not being with me scares me now.  Our family of 6 is real. It's mine. Just like you are mine.  And I'm not used to wanting to lay claim on anyone.  I'm all for sexy pictures and lots of sex and food and fun.  I didn't really ever mean to get my heart so wrapped up in all of it.  Am I really sitting here smelling your pillow? I thought I wasn't supposed to need or miss anyone. I was wrong.  I have been wrong about a lot of things, getting one chance to be in love the real way is at the top of that list and nobody is more surprised than me that I could ever feel this way again, but even stronger than before.  
There is a constant battle in my head between logic, fear, and love.  Logic tells me to get a prenup. Fear tells me you should have a vasectomy. Love tells me to get married. I joke with you that I hope every woman you've been with thinks you're an ugly loser who sucks in bed.  That's love talking. I don't care what anyone thinks about you but me.  I loved you broke and I love you making money. I loved you at your heaviest and I love you losing weight. I loved you in jeans and t-shirts and I love you in your cargo shorts and polos. I have watched people's opinions change from asking why I was with you to calling you handsome, kind, a family man, and telling me how lucky I am to have you. It would be fear that would make me cling to anyone else's opinions, so I try not to, even though it is nice to hear now.  While you've been gone, I feel that it's been love that's taken over my senses.  Me stopping to think about you never coming home sent a rush of sadness through me that nearly brought me to my knees. It scared me pretty badly.  
I'm not interested in dying of a broken heart, my love.  I know I have asked you to sign that stupid prenup and get a vasectomy, but I am not planning for a divorce.  I am planning to love you with everything I've got for as long as we are both on this planet together. I don't know if that's going to be 4 years or 40, but my heart is there.  I don't want to share you with anyone. I want you to be with me every day. I want to tell you all of the things on my mind, even if they make us crazy.  I want to be stronger like you to try and fix things when we fight. I promise that I'm not going to imagine my life without you ever again.  When we get married, I promise to mean it forever. I will treat you like an equal and permanent member of this family because it doesn't work without you anymore. I barely think I work without you anymore. And yes, it scares me to death.  But I am going to put my faith in you and in God and love.  
We will probably not write our own wedding vows and that's ok. I don't mind if the whole world doesn't know exactly how I feel. I just need to make sure that you do.  So if you ever doubt my heart or my commitment, you have this. And i hope that counts for something. I hope you wake up to this and smile knowing I'm sitting here waiting for you to come home to me because I'm crazy in love with you, whether I wanted to be or not. And my heart, as damaged or broken as it may have been through the years, is very much yours.

Love always,

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Mermaids belong in the ocean

It's a terrible thing when I stop writing. Everything gets stuck in my head. I need to be more careful about not only writing when I'm miserable.  Someone told me that they read my blog and were concerned, then realized it was over a month ago so I most likely fine since I was still alive.  Logical conclusion.  Another logical conclusion is that I'm not writing enough.  I was thinking maybe I would like to make myself a new wishlist for my life. It doesn't need to be New Years for that, does it?  I don't even know if it's going to be wishes. It's just a damn list.
1. Can the anxiety stop please? Just fucking stop. STOP.
My daughters father got married the third week of September. I was actually scared that going to the wedding might upset me. Of all of the selfish bullshit that runs through my head, this certainly took the cake.  He was getting married to this woman who I and my children love and I was worried that I might get upset.  Why? Because we got married in Hawaii once? Like old demons were going to jump out of the ocean and get me?  As it turned out, the bride to be needed emergency surgery to have her appendix out and I was so damn scared that she might die that I didn't have time or tears for anything else but making sure she was alive, happy, hydrated, or anything else I could think of. And she takes the time to pull me aside and tell me she loves me and I should be there and I'm family. Six and a half years ago I would never thought that I'd be saying I'm so lucky to have her and I love her so and she deserves to be my daughter's other mommy.  But I am.  While I was in Hawaii on that vacation, my son's dad sent over the first draft of divorce papers and threw my anxiety into chaos again. I swam out into the ocean and cried my eyes out. Like a crazy person.  There are days that I feel like I give myself too much credit for having feelings and days when I just can't control them.  I swam out to see and prayed to God to be free. I don't want to jump when I see emails.  I don't want to assume everything is always bad.  I want to go back to being who I was before: happy, optimistic, confident.  Not scared, anxious, worried that something else is going to come crashing down on me. Because that's all my life has been: a series of disasters with little to no reprieve.  After 18 months and 20k am I finally at the end of this divorce?  I hope so. I came home from that wedding and went to see my favorite tattoo shop. I'm having a mermaid put on my arm. I drew her. I laughed when I realized that she's swimming away, because fuck these lemons. I'm bailing. I've had enough and I really, really want my heart and mind to move on. Most of all the anxiety. That can fucking go anytime now.
2. Faith in God.
People, I have gone down the yellow brick road.  Hello God, I'm here. We have our meetings daily. Maybe twice day. Sometimes all day, every day.  It's you and me, my friend. I have no idea what you have in store for me, but I can tell you the idea of free will moves further and further from my brain the longer I'm alive.  Too many things come together. Too many people find me and ask me for help when they need me. I catch too many people as they fall.  And you know what? They catch me right back.  I see terrible things happen and then watch it get scooped up and formed into something better, stronger, and it all makes sense.  Or maybe I make it make's hard to tell. But I know so many things wouldn't come together and work had they not fallen apart. I see it in my life and so many others all the time.  All. The. Time.  I'm not sure how this PhD in theology/world religions is supposed to come together, but I'm working on it. I got comfy at a christian church and a long lost bahai friend found me. Then someone sent me a Muslim book. I got it, God. I'm on it. I swear. No laziness here. We both see the stack of books on my nightstand. I'm won't lose my focus. I just need a minute to wipe my tears and pick myself up off the ground, ok? I'm still standing. I'm standing. I'll be moving forward again soon. I've almost gotten my strength back.
3. Faith in people
Why does my heart hurt so bad sometimes? I feel like over the past 6 years I've had this beautiful life breathed into me when it comes to my female friends. I have learned how amazing women are. How to help them, see them, make them feel comfortable and confident about who they are. Empower them and uplift them. It's a beautiful thing to give another soul hope, especially when I have been in those shoes and faced those struggles.  I think I was blessed with the ability to read people and there's something about me that instills confidence. Tell me your secrets, they're safe with me. I won't judge you. I will love you for who you are and pray that you become who you want to be. I promise you will be ok. You will make it. Your kids will be ok. And we will all get through it together. I hold their hand and give them my attention until they don't need me anymore. So they move on and that's ok. I can't keep everyone, but I am greatly comforted knowing that I have friends wherever I go. Hilarious for someone like me who is shy and antisocial in crowds, doesn't like to mingle or make small talk, and feels generally different from the rest of the world. But that's just me.  I feel like my faith in men is increasing. I'm engaged to a man who insists on wearing a wedding band and has a huge tattoo on his forearm declaring his love and commitment to our family. He never gives up trying to show me how much he loves me and wants our family to work.  Is there going to come a day that I stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? I remember promising myself I would not make anymore male friends because they were nothing but trouble. Dishonest and disloyal pigs. Then I met a really nice guy who has been madly in love with his wife for decades. Then one who loves his girlfriend desperately and I couldn't help myself. I let them tell me their problems and listened like a good friend and felt like maybe they weren't so bad after all.  I watch my fiancé tell me he'll get a vasectomy before we get married and promise not to pressure me to set a date.  My finance's ex tells me he loves me the real way and to stop being crazy. Then we all go to church together.  Then Halloween comes and I get dressed up with the four kids, my fiancé, his ex, my ex and his new wife, and we all go trick or treating. Because nobody wants to be without their kids and we all just get along. Because not everyone is bad and we can put the kids first and see that deep down it's ok to be friends because shit happens and the family you end up with isn't always the one you imagine.
4. Time
I have a great hole in my life. Its a black hole that sucks all of my free time. My alone time. It's why I don't write. I don't go dancing. I rarely paint my nails. I struggle to find time to read.  When I am with my kids, I make and effort to put my phone down.  Once they are in bed, my attention goes to my fiancé. Unless of course someone needs me for something, which lets be honest, is frequent.  So here we go, work, kids, adult time, friends. Fight it out to find five minutes to myself then go to bed.  Even now I'm sacrificing sleep to write, which should've been done months ago. Even if I had time to do my nails, I would probably spend it folding laundry.  Did I tell you I have four kids? Endless amounts of dishes, laundry, scrubbing, folding, dusting, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. And I wouldn't change it. My fiancé is right there with me putting things away, busting his ass trying to find time to spend together before we fall asleep exhausted.  But where did I go? How do I steal those afternoons away to go to the beach alone? Will I ever make it back to yoga? Will I start writing regularly again? Don't even get me started on school. Between those long breaths of him snoring next to me, there is a second of silence. That's all there is. Just a second.
5. Money.
Well friends, I'm 36 and having some major money issues.  After 18 months of attorney bills and trying to support 6 people on my salary, I've run myself into a stupid amount of debt.  Now that my fiancé has opened a new business and is doing well (hy yes, his old one did fail for a reason and become something better!) I'm hoping to clean up this financial crisis I've gotten myself into.  I'm still hoping the attorney bills are at an end, even though I have another 5k outstanding. All of these maxed out credit cards and anxiety over paying them can go away too, thank you very much. I feel like this can go in #1.  I try to remind myself that I am good with money, I'm responsible, and I can figure this out. I bought this house, didn't I? Plus my car. I've make plenty of mistakes with finances and I've also done a lot of good. I'm trying not to let all of this break me. Isn't my strength the rebound? Pulling the result out like the underdog I am? Beauty through struggle is the motto of my life. I'm so done with struggle. I'm ready for some beauty.
6. I want my innocence back
I know I'm the product of everything that's happened to me. I realize that I wouldn't be able to help the people I help had I not been through hell and survived.  But I miss my optimism. I miss believing in happily ever after and love and promises. I don't want to demand a prenup because I don't want to worry about losing my house. I don't want to demand a vasectomy because I can't stomach the thought of another man getting me pregnant and leaving me.  I shouldn't have those thoughts in my head. Sometimes I think I just look like I'm ready to cut and run at any moment, even though I'm not. Nobody wants things to work out more than I do, but I'm scared of what reality always bring to me. That's adversity. Nothing ever works out. I am constantly challenged, beaten, defeated, and razed to the ground. Yes, to rise again, but at what cost? How many wedding dresses are you allowed to buy before you lose the excitement.  How many weddings do you plan before you go, oh well, what haven't I done yet?  Or when an engagement announcement feels embarrassing and inappropriate because your many failures stand out ahead of you.
7. I need my sleep
I wake up constantly in the night when my kids aren't with me. I have night terrors. I can only truly exhale when my babies are safe under my roof. Not that I think they are in danger, because I don't at all. I just constantly feel in jeopardy. I want to rest. I want peace in my heart.  I pray for peace constantly. I don't remember the last time I slept for a full night and woke up refreshed. I wake up 2-3 times to check on the kids, go to the bathroom, get some water, and reach other to make sure I didn't dream the man who sleeps next to me. At least I don't wake him up to insist he pet my back and tell me everything is ok.  Is it ok? I'm still not sure yet. But it will be, right?
8. To let go
I'm a control freak. I think the hardest thing for me to do is just let go of a situation that is out of my hands.  It makes me crazy when people say "let go and let God". I just want to punch them. But I'm trying to DO something here! Surely I need to make some important decisions and FIX everything. But I never seem to be able to. I'm a victim of someone else's actions and I sit there freaking out until the enemy shows itself so I can get up and fight. I'm surprised by how confrontational I truly am. Not that I want to fight, but that I want to know what's going on and discuss it right away. I really do believe that understanding is reached through confrontation. But life doesn't work that way. You can't make people do things, force a decision, or make a change just because you want to.  So instead of being dragged along, screaming my head off because I can't control the force dragging me, I need to learn to let go, fall on my face, and just fucking sit there until whatever is going to explode does. Or doesn't.  I need to realize that I can't stop or influence explosions, so I need to stop trying. See what I'm talking about when I say this free will thing feels less and less real.

Right now, I feel like I should pray because, well, that's what I seem to be good at these days.  And God, we need to talk.  I know you hear from me all the time, but maybe just once more for today and then you can have a few hours off.  Can I sleep tonight, please? Can my heart stop pounding and my brain stop worrying about my babies. I know they are safe with their dads. Speaking of their dads, can you please help them be amazing fathers and providers for our children? Help them put their children first and give them the love and attention they need when I am not there. Help them be the amazing men I know they can be.  And please remember my fiancé. Help his business do well and him continue on his path to do the right thing in life, prioritize our children, and be the partner that I truly need in life.  The mother of his children is suffering. Please help her heart. She is ready for someone new in her life. Send her a man to love her the children who wants to be part of our big, crazy family.  Let her be the answer to his prayers the way my fiancé is the answer to mine. Please help all of our households prosper so that we can keep food on the table and the lights on. We are all struggling.  Lord please help me be the woman I am meant to be. Help me walk the path you have laid down for me and conquer the fears in my heart.  Help me be free of judgment to those who need me and give me the right words to say to bring them hope when they need it most.  Help me be the mother to all 4 of my children that I always wanted for myself. I do my best not to question why but see the wisdom in the plan that unfolds before me. Quiet my anxiety and bring peace to my heart.  And if you see my guardian angel up there, can you tell her that I don't need to see 9:17 twice a day anymore? I'm all done with that chapter. Talk to the ocean, she got the last of those tears already.

Goodnight xo

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Gray area

It's been a long time since I written. I believe last time I wrote I was promising myself to write more often and I lost myself in misery.  I want to say as usual, but that feels terrible to say. I guess it's just how I feel right now.  My divorce has been going on for 15 months.  15 months of pain, anxiety, depression, fear, and uncertainty.  Not to mention hefty attorney bills. It tears at my heart. Every day I pray for interactions with my ex to be peaceful and productive.  I pray for both of us to have the strength and wisdom to put our son first. And it hard. It's so hard.  My heart breaks when I'm away from my son and I am upset when he's away from his dad for too long. I realize both are hurting him and there's no easy way to fix it.  The engagement ring on my finger weighs heavily on me.  I feel everyone's disapproval, lack of excitement, and disinterest.  I didn't announce anything publicly. I watch people see it, ignore it, and change subjects.  Nobody wants to be excited with someone who has been proposed to a ton of times and been divorced three times now.  It makes me feel bad about everything. My life decisions, where I think I should be right now, and what people think of me and my kids.  What sort of loser is constantly getting married and divorced? It's not cute or funny or amusing to anyone. Least of all me.  I know I've never been one to care what people think, but it still hurts sometimes.  I guess this is one of those times.
My faith has been suffering lately. I still go to church and I talk to God all the time.  I feel like I'm missing something.  I understand going through trials to learn a lesson and be perfected for something. At least I feel like I do.  But I'm at my breaking point and I don't know what else I can get out of these terrible experiences.  How long does the divorce have to drag on? How much does a mother need to feel that her baby is in danger of being taken from her when he needs her?  Where am I supposed to go with all of this?  And I go to a nice church, I do.  But they don't really welcome me and I don't feel like I belong there.  Maybe I don't.  I suppose I am just a Bahai in Christian clothing. I'm not one of them.  Maybe they can feel it.  Or maybe I'm meant to move on.  I am someone who is usually strong in my faith. I feel the presence of God all around me and I feel like I'm heard and watched over.  The absence of that feeling is difficult for me to deal with. Even if it might all just be in my head.  That familiar voice comes back and tells me that I'm not able to do anything, I have no purpose, nobody wants me, and I'm destined to be alone.
It's hard not to feel like a failure when you can't clean up your own damn life. I always say that if you don't like something then change it.  Well I can't seem to change any of this.  I feel trapped and miserable and that's not like me at all.  It feels pathetic and weak, but maybe that's what I am sometimes.  I feel like I constantly tell people things they don't want to hear because I'm telling them the truth of a situation or how I'm feeling. I shouldn't feel bad for that, but I do. The last thing anyone wants to feel like is a disappointment or worthless, but I do.
I'm the sort of person who doesn't take today for granted. I look for something to make me happy every single day. I remind myself to smile. So what happens when you have a rough day, look forward to doing something later, then have the weight of the world piled on you by multiple people. I lose my happy I guess.  I can't seem to escape the stress and get far enough away to forget my problems and find a happy place where I can rest in the sun. I'm uncertain these days that everything will fall into place and work out.  I can't plan a wedding. I don't want a prenup. I can't even get my last name back and finish my divorce. I can't spend every day with my kids. I can't plan vacations because I'm broke. Apparently I can't even go down to the beach with anyone without having some stupid fight about shit that I don't care about. I always default back to the idea that I want to be alone. Or at least that I just want someone to be nice to me.  I don't know why it's so impossible to attain. I think it's got to be my personality. I'm a really hard person to deal with and love.  But there's nothing I can do about that.
The last thing I want to do is default to remembering my past as the good days and think the best is behind me. I don't want to be miserable today and dream of the future when I can fly far away from here.  How far away is that? 16 years when my babies are grown? Seems like a miserable waste of time. I want to be happy now. I know I can't base that on how people treat me or what they think of me. I do. It would be nice if someone was happy for me, though. A little excitement would be appreciated. I understand it's a lot to ask when you're me though. I get it. I would probably roll my eyes at someone I've watched get married three times before too.  I would like someone to think of me first.  When I'm having a rough day and I would like some space or some attention or to do something in particular, it would be nice if someone wanted to put their shit aside and just be fucking nice to me.  But nobody ever does that. People always put themselves first.
Is that what I'm supposed to learn from all of this?  That everyone is selfish and life is miserable? I don't know how I'm supposed to uplift people and bring them hope with that message. I would really like someone to try to lift me up these days. But I won't be here holding my breath. I have made it my personal mission to make people feel like they are not alone. When everyone only cares about themselves, I reach out to other people. I make the effort. I'm starting to think it's a bullshit, thankless job. All people do is judge you and want something from you and that kills me. Especially today when I'm feeling so bad.  When I can't find the sun, no matter how desperately I'm searching.
I can't tell if it's the dawn of my life or the twilight, with the best yet to come or if it's behind me. But it is certainly not here. I have believed for a long time that I had a great purpose in this world to help people. I have done my best to take the high road, put others first, trust in God, and be the best person I can be. I'm so tired of the world turning its back on me. I'm tired of feeling like I'm taking a beating for no reason and no relief is coming.  I'm tired of feeling like nobody really cares or understands because they are too busy passing judgement on me and my life. I'm ready to stop trying so hard. Hey God, if you're still there and listening, I'm showing my cards.  Something has to give because I'm ready to fold. And you know as well as I do that I don't bluff.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Make new memories

I think it's human nature to try and attach other people and memories to things you like to do and places you've been.  When you're like me and you've been through a ton of miserable relationships, that can be really depressing.  Your special Prada heels remind you of the man who left you.  You go to your favorite resort to watch the sunset and you see yourself there with him remembering the loneliness and sadness.  Your heart breaks where ever you go.  There are days when I feel like the world isn't big enough and I carry an ocean of sadness inside of me.  I want to move away, run away, go anywhere new and different. Find a new favorite restaurant and buy new, better shoes.  The problem is nowhere will ever be safe.  I learned a long time ago that there are people in this world who want you to have you.  They use you, put themselves first, and leave you when you're no longer convenient.  It makes you feel all used up and forget who you are.
I used to feel bad about loving Hawaii because I got married there once. Today I understand that I just love Hawaii and it's not related to any man. I've been there with my sister, two husbands, my daughter, and my company.  Hawaii has everything to do with me and not who happens to be with me for a trip or two.  Laguna Beach is my spot. I don't care who I lived there with or how many times or different men went there with me.  My favorite restaurants are mine because those are my taste. So maybe I've worn this dress with someone else.  It's my dress.  I'm having one of those moments where I feel like I'm going through the motions again.
I tend to feel bad when I respond certain ways in relationships and I need to accept that this is just who I am.  I'm not treating someone the same as someone else.  It's just how my brain is programmed.  I'm trying to rebound here.  I took my wedding heels and I wore them to brunch.  I took this special dress that I used with my ex and I took formal pics with my sisters and nieces.  I don't like having to sell things to hide from them.  I'd rather make new memories.  And I want those memories to be for me for once. I don't want them linked to another man or some crap he's done that was supposed to make me happy.  It never does.  Relationships just don't make me happy.  They give another person the power to make you miserable.  I have found throughout the years that I'm happiest alone with my children.  When I'm with a man, I tend to cater to him too much and I get lost somewhere in there.
All of a sudden my birthday is about someone else. I don't get to go to my favorite restaurant because we are fighting. Once again I'm standing there trying to watch the sunset while someone is making me feel bad.  My heart hurts from all of it.  I don't think it's a coincidence that the happiest times of my life were when I was single.  My little sister and I lived in HB way back when I was just 22.  I had just broken up with my long time bf and I was FREE and happy.  School, gym, work, beach! Then after my second divorce I had years of freedom.  I was either with my kiddo or I was free to roam around the planet.  Sometimes both.  Life was glorious.  Every time I think of heartbreak or misery, I can point to man who was standing infront of me fucking up my life.  And they wonder why I want to be single. I swear men are taught nothing but perseverance.  Just ignore her and she'll come around eventually.  And of course I snap into wedding mode because I love weddings and here we go all over again. One more disaster to deal with.
Men are always convinced they want me until they get me and I'm not what they thought I was. Then they leave.  Today I'm sitting in my bedroom wondering how much of a mark they've left.  Didn't I buy that tv with you after I gave birth to my daughter? Wasn't that box I used for my baby mementos given to us at our wedding?  Will the color of these walls remind me of us painting them?  How about all of these sets of sheets?  It's been a long time since I thought I was meant to be anything but alone. I don't think I've believed otherwise since I was married to my daughter's dad.  I've had two ex husbands teach me that lesson.  Tonight I'm sad about my birthday and being 36. I don't really know what to do with that. I guess I need to think about it some more and figure out what's really hurting my heart. I know that I can't fill a bunch of hurts with shopping and men and trips. I need to make sure I don't make those same mistakes again. I'm not falling down the rabbit hole again this time.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Love and darkness and my side arm

I want to thank the universe for women today.  I have to say that the most startling discovery of my 30s is that other women are amazing people.  Today, after being real friends with other women for the last 5-6 years, I can truly say that my life is so much richer and full of love and support than I ever thought it could be.  If I am feeling uncertain, I have women who rush to reassure me that I deserve to be happy and I am doing a good job.  They dislike the people who are hurting me and they pray for me to feel better.  When I feel sad and lonely, I receive text messages telling me that I am loved and cared about.  When I am broke they remind me that money doesn't count when it comes to friendship and sometimes they buy me lunch knowing that I will return the favor when I have a few dollars in my pocket. When I freeze at work and am overwhelmed, they talk me back down to sanity and hold my hand until I complete my projects then check on me later to make sure I am ok.  I am honored to call these people friends.  There are moments I sit in stunned silence wondering what I ever did to deserve such amazing friends. The beautiful thing about people is we can always find a common ground to relate to each other on if we try.  It doesn't matter if I've known you for 20 years and consider you family or we met through work or maybe you were part of an online mommy group for the past couple of years and we've never met in person.  You have the ability to acknowledge that every person on this earth has the same worth as you do and deserves love, consideration, and respect.  I do my best to be a good friend back to these amazing people.  In fact, I think that my dedication to being a good friend makes me hard to be around sometimes.
I'm the type of person who doesn't like to multitask when it comes to people.  When I'm with my kids, I rarely have my phone in my hand.  When I'm on a date, I'm busy looking into someone's eyes and understanding them.  If you are having a problem and need to talk, then I am focused on you.  Nobody wants to hear the buzz buzz of a text message when they are pouring their heart out to you.  If you end up in a relationship with me, you understand how what I feel my mission in life is overlaps with my dedication to being a good friend.  You see, I believe that my calling is to bring hope to women and uplift them.  I honestly do.  I take great pride in being the first person someone tells their good or bad news too.  Most of the time it's bad, yes, but it brings meaning to all of the suffering I've been through in my life.  If I can listen to someone, understand them, and help them believe that they can make it through their circumstance, then my heart is happy.  Yes, I feel anxious when I get that message late at night or early in the morning that says "hey, are you up?" It is a hard thing to reach out to someone for help.  If you pick me as that lifeline, you bet your ass I'm going to take that seriously.  I have pulled my car over to talk to someone because they needed someone to listen. I have told my boyfriend that I'm sorry, but you have to wait, this is an emergency, and expected him to understand. I can only imagine what he must think of the constant flow of text messages or people needing support.  I'd like to think that by knowing who I am and how I've impacted his life that he understands.  Either way, it is what it is and I am who I am.
I've always thought it was odd that people come to me for advice.  I used to think that my life was such a mess that theirs was better by comparison.  Maybe it's because I do my best and try not to judge.  Over the past year there has been a massive increase in the amount of people who want to talk to me about God and religion.  I'm always happy to listen to someone while they figure out who they are and what they believe.  I think it's very important to understand that all people are different and they walk a different path. I would never tell someone what to do or what to think.  Or I should say I try not to.  I'm only human afterall and I know I've made mistakes trying to help people along the way.  It's not always easy to remain impartial when it's a subject I care deeply about.  I look at myself, divorced three times, two kids from different dads, covered in ink, blue hair, mid 30s, a Bahai going to a Christian church...the list goes on and on.  What in the world are you doing asking me for advice?  I am not perfect. I do not have all the answers.  I get lost and confused and scared just as much as everyone else.  I regularly screw up my life, get up, shake it off, remember what I'm grateful for and set about figuring out who I am and what I stand for all over again.
I like to think of myself as the world's most amazing work in progress.  I read my history through the tattoos on my arms and smile.  Wow, girl, you've been through A LOT and look at you sitting here smiling in your underwear.  Calling in sick to work to focus on paperwork for your year long divorce and ended up taking a nap, vacuuming, and daydreaming about your next engagement ring. You never learn, do you? But look it's sunny outside and you have milk and cookies hiding by the bed for after date night tonight. Isn't it amazing you have a new bra and panty set to wear and they match your new heels? You're going to go to Miami and see your best friend soon! You get to go to brunch and dancing for your birthday! Did I mention that alllll the bills are paid this month AND you have movie tickets in your purse to see Star Wars on the beach?!  You can say this however you want to: God is good. The universe balances. You get what you deserve.  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
I watch people search for happiness in other people and material possessions.  People are wonderful and I'm very grateful for everything I have, but they don't make me happy. I make me happy. I am a complete and whole person on my own.  I became that way with a massive amount of effort.  There's no partner, vacation, or even drug that will make you happy.  You talk to yourself more than anyone else does.  Think about that.  The answer is in your own head.  How you see the world dictates how you exist in it.  We have so many thoughts flying around us.  Only the ones that you accept as true have the power to make you miserable or happy.  Trust me I could make you a list of 90 things that are causing me stress and misery right now, but why the hell would I want to do that?  You have to make the choice to be positive and grateful.  We all need to complain and vent. Go ahead.  But how are you talking to people? Do you say hello and pour out your troubles? Or say hello and celebrate your successes?  Do not give negative things and people the power to dictate your whole life.  What a waste.  Instead let the positive things, even if they are outnumbered, lead your mind and heart.  You can do it.  When you are feeling negative, acknowledge it.  Point it out and label it. Give yourself 10 minutes to say this is frustrating me. I'm freaked out over this. It will help you compartmentalize it.  Make a decision that is "good enough" about your problems. No path is perfect.  Make the best choice possible and be at peace with that.  Decide to look for a new job. Research new schools for your kids. Accept that you need a new car.  Approach your partner about counseling.  Admit you can't afford that vacation.  Now focus on what you do have and what you can do again.  Lastly, touch someone.  People, I cannot emphasize the value of physical affection.  The energy that each of us has and transfers to other people is massive.  Hug your kids. Have sex with your spouse. Shake hands with people. Put your hand on someone's shoulder to comfort them. Yes you can do it.  Go get a massage.  Touch is healing. I think there would be a lot of much happier marriages out there if people were forced to hug each other after 10 mins of arguing and that's no joke.  Do you know how much miscommunication can be resolved through the sincerity of touch?  Try it.  Next time you argue and want to kill your partner, just go hug them and take a deep breath.  Sounds scary, right?  Nobody is scarier to argue with than me and it diffuses me every time.  I personally think that couples should have sex as often as possible to keep all forms of affection and communication open.  Yes you have 10 mins for that. Quit complaining.  Go put your hands on their face every day for a week and stick your tongue in their mouth and watch you smile at each other and see each other again for a moment through all the bills and kids and dirty dishes and remember that you actually like each other.  I promise, it works.
So dear friends reading this, both men and women, thank you for being here for me. Thank you for all of the letters from your sides of the world. I'm going to work on writing more often again and focusing on what's important: being emotionally healthy and helping each other.  I hope you find a way to uplift yourselves by being grateful, labeling your thoughts, making decisions, and touching people. I hope you value the relationships in your life and remember that people are not perfect, but we are all trying in our own ways.  Even if it's not me you're talking to, I hope you are talking to someone because you deserve to be heard.  In fact, I hope to hear from you soon.
The Elitist